February 2008

February 2008

As I’m writing I know things that I didn’t know then and I’m trying to keep them out of the entries so they may seem a bit bland compared to others as they are not from the moment when I was in them.


Work was getting a bit better but not great. Better as in new people were being hired but not a lot

Spent Valentines day with someone who really wanted to be with me that day. It was a great day.

I bought something for her, which I think she liked but not as much as I hoped she would like it. I got it at a local shop and was made by an area artisan/craft person. So the store didn’t have fancy boxes. Which was very cool because I like to make my own cards now and gifts when I can. I’m not talented enough to make jewelry but I was able to decorate the box and I think she liked that more than the contents.

Doodle is living in West by god and came down here close to her b-day. She wanted Ski boots. So I’m taking her and we get into an argument she gets out of my moving car. Which is frustrating, and dangerous. So she gets back into the car. Refuses to speak to me, calls CPG on the phone, tells her I’m being an ass and just holds the phone open so anything that is said can be heard by CPG. I don’t say anything, my relationship with my daughter has in one year gone from close to non-existent an no reason has been given.

Stunt boy was at CPG’s for the Doodle thing

We are getting along well at this time and he has practice every week for OotM so he is busy with that and I help him every night he is here with his lines.

I ended up buying the ski boots in hopes that this might repair the relationship some and Doodle could use them to ski and get a job she wanted in the Ski Wee program. So trying to see the silver lining in all of this, she is actually finally motivate to start working and learning the value of money and that is a good thing. I don’t actually see any of her grades but everyone says she is passing everything. So continue to make my calls which go unanswered and send letters which I don’t know are even read.



Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

January 2008

January 2008

Woke up New Years day in the arms or more to the point someone in my arms.

Work was still crazy and getting crazier by the day near the end of the month I came close to a melt down getting 8 new cases in one day and having already gotten 10 that week.
Was in the relationship with S and that was going well
But I should have took notice to the comment then that they didn’t feel sorry for me and it bothered me but I blew it off and explained that everyone has bad days and with the way things had been at work bad days of being stressed to the max were in abundance.

At least I wasn’t pulling a rolling stone song every day and twice as much when I was having a bad day. You learn to cope without chemical assistance. And just because I don’t run around screaming and flinging papers around demanding that things get done by other people. I mentally keep things in and develop a plan of action and calmly try to achieve them. However, trying to build a house of cards in an earthquake you are going to say sometimes, you know it’s just too much I want to quit and you can take the job and shove it up your (blankity –Beep) so there.

Sorry I’m not Zen like in my composure all of the time or respond in the chicken with it’s head-cut off running around that some many other co-workers were doing. I could roll on about certain stressors adding to my having a really bad day and making a comment to a person I was in a relationship with who I saw as someone who could be turned to in a time to just listen – good god this sucks – nope. She based her lack of empathy on a single comment from a co-worker who at that point in a year and half had talked to me once, never been to my cubicle, every effort I made to attempt to get to know this co-worker was rebuffed and each conversation attempt walked away from by this person. So sure that person’s evaluation of my work performance must be spot on.

I don’t know how many times I sat and listened to every little bemoaning trivial problem she had and listened supportively, offered advice when appropriate and kept a distance when I needed to as in it’s not my place to be there in the middle of this problem. Oh and I know I hate myself for being a doormat so I know I need to speak up but that is a different issue.

This is degenerating into a much bigger thing which I’ll write about later in other January news.

Stunt-boy was doing well in school
Doodle was in still in Westbygod living at the asylum with the beta unit and from the sporadic reports I got was doing well.

Mouse was doing well and I had two dogs as well. It even snowed one day, I think.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Secrets

bright

good friend

Disappointed

Sad

Hopeful

Wishing

Confussed

Smiles

Smiles

Smiles

Smiles

December 2007

December 2007

It was cold and things at work were very stressful most of the positions in the units were open and people were leaving in droves. In under 18 months 19 people had left or moved out of the unit. Leaving on average for over a 12 month period 3.5 investigators for over 100 complaints a month.

Doodle is living with her grandmother still and seems to be doing well but is having some ups and downs with the new school and people she shouldn’t be having problems with at all.

Stunt-boy is enjoying the last year of elementary school. Somehow convince S to go to the holiday performance - He does really well. CPG is late arriving to the performance. What can I say there.

Doodle came in and spent the night before Christmas here it was nice to have her here in the house again. She did show off a bit for S and I think try to intimidate her some.
I cooked a very nice dinner for which S was late but nervous about having a formal thing with my mother, stunt boy whom she was comfortable and doodle my teen daughter whom she had not met yet and we have been dating at this point since September.

Things go well enough for the holidays stressful as always but not over the top.

S came over between X-mas and news years after my family had gone and we had our private Christmas together. It was nice to be with someone again for the holidays.

We, S and I, spent new years eve at her friends apartment until the ball dropped and then went up stairs to her apartment for the first part of 2008.

I’m writing all of this a year later and knowing things about now that I didn’t know then make it a bit hard to be gentle so if it all seems a bit out of the ordinary for me it is out of the ordinary for me. I had slowed down a lot on my writing in 2007 and wrote nearly nothing in 2008. So now I’m trying not to let a lot of important things slip out of my head. So I will end up with some brief things in here about the year and the events. Mostly one per month and try to keep pace to get something up every day.

So that was December 2007
Get up go to work come home rinse repeat.
I still smoked over a pack a day at this point and should have had a caffeine IV but still opt for the oral consumption.

I'm sure Pink Floyd has a title for this...

I haven't written a lot of anything lately. I need to return many emails, I haven't been blogging and the few e-mails I have sent it seems that cyberspace has eaten and are lost in the void.

So if I haven't written to you lately I will, If I've sent you something and you didn't get it I'm sorry, If you have been wondering about what is going on in my life and why I haven't been around that is my fault and my choice.

I'm not trying to avoid anyone or anything for that matter. I have been searching and trying to make sense of so many things in my life and juggling a lot of chaos. No I don't think my life is so bad most of the time.

There are things I wish I could change, things I wish were different, things I wish I knew the answer too and some things I'm just trying to come to terms with and except them for what they are in the world. I'm just trying to find my place in the universe.

Perhaps that is a pretty tall order. Trying to find yourself in something so vast as the universe. As Douglas Adams wrote in one of his novels and I'll paraphrase, the universe is so vast, so big in deed that if you took the size of the universe and the number of living things in the universe and compared the two numbers size verses the number living things the population of the universe would be zero. That is how large the universe is, pretty scary. We live in a place so big that our existence is nothing. And not just me, all living things.

So if all living things amount to nothing in the universe what does one person amount too in something so big.

I would suggest that if you take any anti-depression medication not to ponder on that thought for too long or those little happy pills may seem to be a lot less helpful after a bit.

Ponder away though I have. What does it all mean and why. Where is my place in it all.

Hell for that matter on a much smaller scale. What does it all mean just to me and those closest too me.

I wonder about that and get so few answers. I see them sometimes in smiles and in a few words.

However mostly I don't see that in the faces most important too me.

I think too about love and what it all means. But it's more and if you are reading this, most likely it's not about you. If by chance the one person who I worry about most is reading this … there is so much more that I want to be able to say to you but somehow all those doors are closing.

Some of them are supposed to be closed now and I know that. However there should still be a door to walk threw now and then. Somewhere we can still talk.

Somehow to reach out and say the things that are there but are unsaid.

If you are reading, but I know you aren't. I spend more time thinking about you than anyone or anything else in the world right now. You mean so much more to me than I think you ever will understand. And perhaps one day you will or at least that is my hope.

I fear that you are lost on your journey and while there are parts of that I can't help you with there are still many more miles that I can be there to say left instead of right. Or push instead of pull. Or just stop for a second and listen to the wind.

Love doesn't just happen, it isn't a magic spell, or a wish we make. It is the hardest thing in the universe to build. It takes trust, respect, listening and conversation. It needs to be worked on every day. Some days it only needs a light dusting other days major repairs and renovations. However it is fragile too and while it breaks it never really dies and that is the worst part about love. True love anyway, that it never dies. Unconditional love even if unreturned never dies but it does cause pain.

Because love needs to be coupled with other people and without it turns to shards which cut and gash. But never dies. Sorrow is the opposite of love not hate. Loss and emptiness not bitterness and jealousy. Those are others emotions unrelated to love

I wish I knew more about it though what I do know is that it can't be bought in a store, or paid for no matter how much you offer.

You do have to work for it though

It can't be measured in carats, or dollar signs or in the number of things

Funny how love can make you seem lighter than air one minute and heavier than lead the next

Strong or weak.

Beautiful or ugly

Wanted or unwanted

Needed or useless.

Found or lost



I keep looking for that open door and hope that you know no matter how far or long There is always love here for you.

Pirate Laws

A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.


Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.


When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.


Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.


Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.


When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.


A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.


No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.


A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.


During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.


No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".


All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.


A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.


No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.


Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.


No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.


Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.


A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.


Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.


No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.


Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.


Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.


A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".


Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".


Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.


Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.


No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.


When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.


No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.


No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.


If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.


A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".


A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.


Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.


Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.


When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back. -->


Pirates do not go shopping. They go lootin' and plunderin'. -->


A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.


Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.


Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").


A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.


While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.


No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.


Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.


When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.


Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.


A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.


Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.


Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.


A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.


Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try.


No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.


Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.


A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.


When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.


The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.


No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.


Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.


When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"


A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.


All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".


Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.


Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys".


A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.


A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.


No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.


Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".


Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.


Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.


Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.


Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.


And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just "Arrrrrrrr"...

Why and Why not

My blogging gap hasn't been as long this time. Spending time with my son. My daughter is still living with my mother. They seem to be getting along for not which is good I hope that they will continue to get along.

Found out some things that I'm not really happy about and also was not surprised to find out. My family immediate and extended if all brought together would make for a seasons worth of TV shows, well my cousin already did that and only really just touched the surface of things.

I may start doing a high lights of my family thing. I think the classic was when the peacemaker got a restraining order on the beta unit.

If you don't know who they are sorry, you'll have to pull out your handy dandy invisible don decoder ring. For those of you how haven't yet received your invisible don decoder ring you'll just have to ask who is who.

Meanwhile back at the invisible fortress things are just dandy.

I have one thing going on at work that has me a bit confused and I'm not getting into it right now. I'll just say that I think I'm right but being right isn't everything. Which leaves me with the question, Why?

Many things are leaving me that question why lately and no one seems to have an answer or have an answer and aren't willing to say what it is.

I'm asking Why not a little at a time. No need in pissing off karma you know I have enough negative points there from somewhere.

Started a new project last night. Hopefully and I'll leave it at that.

More later, as always play nice in the neighborhood

Ciao