April 2008

April 2008

So March ended with me not being in a relationship anymore.

Then out of the blue she shows up at the door and open it because
1. I’m in love with her
2. I’m happy to see her
3. I want to be friends if we can’t be together but I’m scared of that too.
4. I’m also not very smart

So I answer the door and she throws herself on me, wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me.

I’m confused but I don’t ask I just go with the moment. I think I finally asked what was going on a few days later. Which she never answered.

Doodle never called about the tattoo. She did call and asked what I thought about a car though. I said I didn’t think she needed one and that I didn’t have the money to help anyone pay for one for her.

Without getting too much into it but finances are tight. Like they are for everyone else. So I’m not feeling picked on that way just trying to keep my head above water.

Stunt boy and I are getting along he doesn’t have anything this month but he had been busy for Jan, Feb and March and he is happy.

I had been having lunch with Stunt boy about every other week from all of his elementary school years and that was coming to an end. Partly because he was ending elementary school and partly because he was socializing more with his friend and not wanting to have his dad there. We were having our last matches of lunch time thumb wrestling matches. Which he wins - he has a wriggly thumb

Work is work and getting less crazy but not really.

April ends



Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

March 2008

March 2008

Most of the month of march went well it really did. Then at the end of the month She said things are over out of the blue. I took it well enough but tried to understand it and didn’t want things to end.

Stunt boy and I were getting along well - he had his OotM competition and his team lost but they did do very well in the competition. CPG and doodle did come to the event but were late and did not arrive in time to see him perform. CPG played it off as she had seen the whole thing even thought she got there right as it was ending She did the same thing when doodle was in a play in the 6th grade. Missed the whole thing and pretended to have made it to the play. I didn’t say anything to Stunt-boy and let her tell her lies to him because ultimately it would hurt him more and CPG will still keep doing the same thing.

Doodle ignored me at the OotM event and didn’t even speak to me in person. This was I because she wants to get a tattoo. Doodle is still living in West by god and still not talking to me, doesn’t answer my phone calls. She did send me an e-mail asking about getting a tattoo at 16. I advised the following:


We've already talked about this before and you know I'm not against them because I have them. However, this is a life time thing and it is very expensive to get them taken off and 10 times more painful than getting a tattoo. Who you are today is not going to be who you are at 25 or older. By that I mean what you like and find appealing will change over time too and seeing a tattoo on your body every day has to be something you aren't going to get sick of or wish you had not have gotten in the first place. I just don't want you to make a decision now that you will regret a few years down the road. Ultimately it is your body and it's your choice what you want to put on it or not. There is no hurry to get a tattoo, they've been doing them for several thousand years and are not likely to stop doing them any time soon. I think the where you get it is important especially as you are not 18 yet.

I want to think about this some more before a say yes or no. I would tell anyone regardless of their age to wait it out a while and see if it is really something you like and want to have on your body forever and too really think about what it means to you to have a tattoo and that particular design because it is forever. Also think about the nose ring, I know you had some problems with it but you also said you got tired of it too. That was an easy fix, just take it out and it's done. However this isn't the same. You can't just take a tattoo off when you are tired of it. I'm not preaching I want you to think about it and let me know how you feel about why you want the tattoo.

I love you and will listen to you and what you have to say about this. Hope everything else is going well.

Love always,

dad


She never responded back to the e-mail or called during the month nor did she answer the phone calls made and as already stated didn’t talk to me in the middle of the month when she was here.

The bright side is that she did at least come with my mother to see her brother. My mother was also very nearly late for the performance. They, CPG, Doodle, the beta unit, all left as the OotM after the play is waiting for grades and doing a Q and A bit so it’s a lot of sitting around and waiting and boring stuff. However, for stunt boy it’s partly boring partly nervous energy waiting for your turn to come up and while not a lot of action is exciting. I can put myself in his shoes and be there for him. I have tried to be there for both of my kids things 100% of the time.

I have missed a lot of doodle things in West Virginia however I drove to three football games to watch her cheer she talked to me at two of them. One I was late for but I sat in the rain with the handful of others watching her it was an away game for her team so I drove three hours to the game to drive three hours back that night.

I wish I could be there for everything it kills me that I miss what I do miss.

March ends



Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

February 2008

February 2008

As I’m writing I know things that I didn’t know then and I’m trying to keep them out of the entries so they may seem a bit bland compared to others as they are not from the moment when I was in them.


Work was getting a bit better but not great. Better as in new people were being hired but not a lot

Spent Valentines day with someone who really wanted to be with me that day. It was a great day.

I bought something for her, which I think she liked but not as much as I hoped she would like it. I got it at a local shop and was made by an area artisan/craft person. So the store didn’t have fancy boxes. Which was very cool because I like to make my own cards now and gifts when I can. I’m not talented enough to make jewelry but I was able to decorate the box and I think she liked that more than the contents.

Doodle is living in West by god and came down here close to her b-day. She wanted Ski boots. So I’m taking her and we get into an argument she gets out of my moving car. Which is frustrating, and dangerous. So she gets back into the car. Refuses to speak to me, calls CPG on the phone, tells her I’m being an ass and just holds the phone open so anything that is said can be heard by CPG. I don’t say anything, my relationship with my daughter has in one year gone from close to non-existent an no reason has been given.

Stunt boy was at CPG’s for the Doodle thing

We are getting along well at this time and he has practice every week for OotM so he is busy with that and I help him every night he is here with his lines.

I ended up buying the ski boots in hopes that this might repair the relationship some and Doodle could use them to ski and get a job she wanted in the Ski Wee program. So trying to see the silver lining in all of this, she is actually finally motivate to start working and learning the value of money and that is a good thing. I don’t actually see any of her grades but everyone says she is passing everything. So continue to make my calls which go unanswered and send letters which I don’t know are even read.



Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

January 2008

January 2008

Woke up New Years day in the arms or more to the point someone in my arms.

Work was still crazy and getting crazier by the day near the end of the month I came close to a melt down getting 8 new cases in one day and having already gotten 10 that week.
Was in the relationship with S and that was going well
But I should have took notice to the comment then that they didn’t feel sorry for me and it bothered me but I blew it off and explained that everyone has bad days and with the way things had been at work bad days of being stressed to the max were in abundance.

At least I wasn’t pulling a rolling stone song every day and twice as much when I was having a bad day. You learn to cope without chemical assistance. And just because I don’t run around screaming and flinging papers around demanding that things get done by other people. I mentally keep things in and develop a plan of action and calmly try to achieve them. However, trying to build a house of cards in an earthquake you are going to say sometimes, you know it’s just too much I want to quit and you can take the job and shove it up your (blankity –Beep) so there.

Sorry I’m not Zen like in my composure all of the time or respond in the chicken with it’s head-cut off running around that some many other co-workers were doing. I could roll on about certain stressors adding to my having a really bad day and making a comment to a person I was in a relationship with who I saw as someone who could be turned to in a time to just listen – good god this sucks – nope. She based her lack of empathy on a single comment from a co-worker who at that point in a year and half had talked to me once, never been to my cubicle, every effort I made to attempt to get to know this co-worker was rebuffed and each conversation attempt walked away from by this person. So sure that person’s evaluation of my work performance must be spot on.

I don’t know how many times I sat and listened to every little bemoaning trivial problem she had and listened supportively, offered advice when appropriate and kept a distance when I needed to as in it’s not my place to be there in the middle of this problem. Oh and I know I hate myself for being a doormat so I know I need to speak up but that is a different issue.

This is degenerating into a much bigger thing which I’ll write about later in other January news.

Stunt-boy was doing well in school
Doodle was in still in Westbygod living at the asylum with the beta unit and from the sporadic reports I got was doing well.

Mouse was doing well and I had two dogs as well. It even snowed one day, I think.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Secrets

bright

good friend

Disappointed

Sad

Hopeful

Wishing

Confussed

Smiles

Smiles

Smiles

Smiles

December 2007

December 2007

It was cold and things at work were very stressful most of the positions in the units were open and people were leaving in droves. In under 18 months 19 people had left or moved out of the unit. Leaving on average for over a 12 month period 3.5 investigators for over 100 complaints a month.

Doodle is living with her grandmother still and seems to be doing well but is having some ups and downs with the new school and people she shouldn’t be having problems with at all.

Stunt-boy is enjoying the last year of elementary school. Somehow convince S to go to the holiday performance - He does really well. CPG is late arriving to the performance. What can I say there.

Doodle came in and spent the night before Christmas here it was nice to have her here in the house again. She did show off a bit for S and I think try to intimidate her some.
I cooked a very nice dinner for which S was late but nervous about having a formal thing with my mother, stunt boy whom she was comfortable and doodle my teen daughter whom she had not met yet and we have been dating at this point since September.

Things go well enough for the holidays stressful as always but not over the top.

S came over between X-mas and news years after my family had gone and we had our private Christmas together. It was nice to be with someone again for the holidays.

We, S and I, spent new years eve at her friends apartment until the ball dropped and then went up stairs to her apartment for the first part of 2008.

I’m writing all of this a year later and knowing things about now that I didn’t know then make it a bit hard to be gentle so if it all seems a bit out of the ordinary for me it is out of the ordinary for me. I had slowed down a lot on my writing in 2007 and wrote nearly nothing in 2008. So now I’m trying not to let a lot of important things slip out of my head. So I will end up with some brief things in here about the year and the events. Mostly one per month and try to keep pace to get something up every day.

So that was December 2007
Get up go to work come home rinse repeat.
I still smoked over a pack a day at this point and should have had a caffeine IV but still opt for the oral consumption.

I'm sure Pink Floyd has a title for this...

I haven't written a lot of anything lately. I need to return many emails, I haven't been blogging and the few e-mails I have sent it seems that cyberspace has eaten and are lost in the void.

So if I haven't written to you lately I will, If I've sent you something and you didn't get it I'm sorry, If you have been wondering about what is going on in my life and why I haven't been around that is my fault and my choice.

I'm not trying to avoid anyone or anything for that matter. I have been searching and trying to make sense of so many things in my life and juggling a lot of chaos. No I don't think my life is so bad most of the time.

There are things I wish I could change, things I wish were different, things I wish I knew the answer too and some things I'm just trying to come to terms with and except them for what they are in the world. I'm just trying to find my place in the universe.

Perhaps that is a pretty tall order. Trying to find yourself in something so vast as the universe. As Douglas Adams wrote in one of his novels and I'll paraphrase, the universe is so vast, so big in deed that if you took the size of the universe and the number of living things in the universe and compared the two numbers size verses the number living things the population of the universe would be zero. That is how large the universe is, pretty scary. We live in a place so big that our existence is nothing. And not just me, all living things.

So if all living things amount to nothing in the universe what does one person amount too in something so big.

I would suggest that if you take any anti-depression medication not to ponder on that thought for too long or those little happy pills may seem to be a lot less helpful after a bit.

Ponder away though I have. What does it all mean and why. Where is my place in it all.

Hell for that matter on a much smaller scale. What does it all mean just to me and those closest too me.

I wonder about that and get so few answers. I see them sometimes in smiles and in a few words.

However mostly I don't see that in the faces most important too me.

I think too about love and what it all means. But it's more and if you are reading this, most likely it's not about you. If by chance the one person who I worry about most is reading this … there is so much more that I want to be able to say to you but somehow all those doors are closing.

Some of them are supposed to be closed now and I know that. However there should still be a door to walk threw now and then. Somewhere we can still talk.

Somehow to reach out and say the things that are there but are unsaid.

If you are reading, but I know you aren't. I spend more time thinking about you than anyone or anything else in the world right now. You mean so much more to me than I think you ever will understand. And perhaps one day you will or at least that is my hope.

I fear that you are lost on your journey and while there are parts of that I can't help you with there are still many more miles that I can be there to say left instead of right. Or push instead of pull. Or just stop for a second and listen to the wind.

Love doesn't just happen, it isn't a magic spell, or a wish we make. It is the hardest thing in the universe to build. It takes trust, respect, listening and conversation. It needs to be worked on every day. Some days it only needs a light dusting other days major repairs and renovations. However it is fragile too and while it breaks it never really dies and that is the worst part about love. True love anyway, that it never dies. Unconditional love even if unreturned never dies but it does cause pain.

Because love needs to be coupled with other people and without it turns to shards which cut and gash. But never dies. Sorrow is the opposite of love not hate. Loss and emptiness not bitterness and jealousy. Those are others emotions unrelated to love

I wish I knew more about it though what I do know is that it can't be bought in a store, or paid for no matter how much you offer.

You do have to work for it though

It can't be measured in carats, or dollar signs or in the number of things

Funny how love can make you seem lighter than air one minute and heavier than lead the next

Strong or weak.

Beautiful or ugly

Wanted or unwanted

Needed or useless.

Found or lost



I keep looking for that open door and hope that you know no matter how far or long There is always love here for you.