I think I should have made a left at...

Sometimes I wish I had taken a different path in life, tried something new when I didn’t said yes when I said no, said no when I said yes.

How much would it have really mattered in the grand scheme of things?

Can simply turning right instead of left make all the difference as Frost suggest in the path less taken.

Although the poem is metaphorical for choices we make and not following the crowd or what is popular and going with your heart or you mind.

However the crowd is so large now is there really a path less taken? I think certainly there is a less taken road. ‘He who dares, wins’, to borrow from the SAS, you won’t know if you’ll fail or win unless you try. You certainly don’t succeed at that thing if you don’t try and you end up somewhere else and perhaps that is also a win just a different sort of winning. No I’m not giving homage to Sheen there.

In your life what choices have you made that have put your life where it is now, when you said no, when you could have said yes. I don’t care when you said yes because that puts you where you are by choice saying no puts you where you are but you may have been in a different place.

For me certainly there have been choices that I ponder, I don’t regret them but wonder what might have been. However I know if I made those choices the two people I love the most would not exist. Doodle and Stunt boy are here because I said no, when I could have very easily said yes. My life would have been different and theirs would not be at all.

A simple choice I made while sitting in a chair hung over and not giving it much thought at all has made all the difference. Or because I didn’t allow that path to continue I ended up where I was supposed to be by a different route?

The latter would be fate or destiny but I pretty sure if I had said yes that things would have ended up much differently. The choice was to reenlist or not. I choose not. If I had chosen yes, I would have remained in Europe for as long as they would have allowed me. I probably would have been deployed into the first Gulf War as many of the people I was serving with did. Then what? See the timing there is critical. Would I have been still in the sand box or back in the US in time to meet the person who is their mother? It is possible? There would have been a brief window where that could have happened. She was where I could have met her. The me who did meet her was wearing a foot high Mohawk, the alternate me would have been very short hair and military, a very different me on the surface anyway.

Who knows? Maybe there is such a thing as fate and things work out the way they are supposed to work out, maybe it’s just dumb luck and we try to make since of it all with concepts like destiny and fate and others.

In other news.

I really don’t see how my cats can poop as much as they poop. The pee thing has me equally baffled. They don’t really drink and eat that much where they heck is it all coming from? Seriously If I took the weight of the food I give them and then weighed their poop. The poop would weigh more. Getting at the amount of liquid in and out is far too complicated because you have to pull it from the litter and then figure for loss in the clay that you can’t get back and it’s just too much work. I would like it if one day a week they just would not poop and only pee half as much. That would even things out of bit. Anyone know how to constipate a cat?

Well, that’s all for now, other stuff tomorrow most likely

Happy Birthday if it’s your birthday and a very merry un birthday if it isn’t your birthday

Thank you for reading, please subscribe, you know if you are reading this on blogspot or on diaryland. If you are reading on face book well you are already subscribed. Aren’t you happy.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,





PS 3 Gamer Tag: invisible don

PO Box 4425 Roanoke VA 24015

Why is there an eye hook in my wrist??? (insert toy piano music) Dance puppet Dance

Before beginning that my thoughts are my thoughts and do not necessarily represent anything deeper than thoughts. With that said if you disagree with me that is ok, feel free to comment, however I may not enter into a debate with you, or if your comment is deemed to be so far off topic that it distracts or is just rude I reserve the right to delete that comment. Because I have that power… oh yes … muhahahahaah… sorry (combs back hair and adjusts glasses)

I’m not exactly sure why it is that we, in this society, want everything homogenized … having every thing exactly the same not the process of making milk the same consistency . With some things it is a very good thing like with the milk …mmm, lumpy milk bad. (blech) However if you travel to any place in the US of any size it is pretty much the same. Take away the skyline, and you would be hard pressed to guess where you were. That is because for the most part American Architecture is like the Volvo, it’s sturdy but it’s all kinds of box like. It has no longer has any flair. It’s all the same now. Sadly we tear down structures which probably had some class, flair, a bit of difference. It’s not just our buildings either, it’s everything.

Now we are Pre fabricated, we are a cookie cutter society. Just, press, pull, place, and cook (verb can be replaced with others like build, or make, dress, listen…etc) … Be one of us … one of us… one of us. We watch films (or read) The Stepford Wives and say oh poosah I’m a free thinking person, no one pulls my strings….really Pinocchio ???

Not many of us are really real boys or girls we are all puppets to someone, or an idea, or a life style. We don’t stand on our own. It becomes increasingly more and more difficult in our ever increasing sea of sameness.

But I’m me, you cry… I am me …not really, well perhaps a version of a person but I’m as guilty as anyone else if not more so.

Like I said there are some good things about having a sameness across a nation this vast. However how far do we push that sameness into our lives, jobs, etc.

Unfortunately, a bit too far in many cases. If you try to stand out to be different you are beating down figuratively in most cases and literally in others. Are we so xenophobic that any difference is bad. Odd that even here in the tiny little town that one building is booed for being different and another is ballyhooed for being a standout. I suppose, to borrow from the MAYA principle … Most Advanced Yet Acceptable … meaning that people will only stand for so much change at a time… our minds can’t quite grasp radical change. Well perhaps not our minds but our fear of change and difference. We crave uniformity and routine but will advance but only at a set pace. We want the sameness so we can feel accepted and wanted and warm but in that sea of sameness we are all different we are all looking for something perfect that doesn’t exist. The holy grail of our time is perfection in sameness. We want to live in Stepford but we tell ourselves and anyone who’ll listen that we don’t.

So in this quest for universal sameness, cookie cutter reality, life and perfection we further isolate one another and lull ourselves to our own destruction.

Oh and it’s Friday … you know what that means… one of us, one of us… the telephone is ringing is that my mother on the phone? No, it’s Pavlov … slobber, slobber, pant.

Um… yeah be you and be proud of you, and if the next time you look at someone and are all uber critical of their clothes, car, house, town, etc. maybe say it’s ok and don’t sweat it or ask them hey what do you like about this or that different thing maybe you’ll find that you like vanilla and boysenberry too, not just vanilla.


Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,




PS. References to Musicians The Police/ Synchronicity, Author - Ira Levin’s Stepford Wives , Behaviorist- Ivan Pavlov, unsure of who coined MAYA principle but it’s not mine, I’ve heard it’s credited to Raymond Loewy, Pinocchio Carlo Collodi… If I missed any I’m sorry “I’m not a thief” Richard M. Nixon. *


PPS. * thank god he didn’t pay to patent that phrase, like Mills Lane (let’s get it on) and that other boxing guy (let’s get ready to rumble..(echo)) yes it’s true we crave sameness so much that catchy little phrases have to be protected by a patent … hence the recent additions of sources…yeah one piracy lawsuit is enough for my liking . And in fairness Pinocchio was probably in the public domain before Disney latched its claws into it…but I digress

Ciao

crossed off the list so many times

I wonder often as I peer around into the seemingly perfect lives of the those around me.
What road did I not take when in the wood and the path diverged
I turned away from lives which if I stayed on them would have lead to very different places.
So much so that lives would be altered and some ended even my own.

What if I had the strength to follow her down that path.
Rather than hearing the clanging on the tile
and darkness would have crept in until it was all there was

Had I stayed on the road so few follow now
I like the color but the life?
Could I stand in front and offer my understanding
Would I have been able to over come my doubt

What would that year on the ice been like and would it hold my heart as firmly as it does another?

If I had run to the coast or Cali again.

What if he had pulled the trigger

What if there aim had been better.

What if it didn’t open .

What if we had stayed in Holland.

What if I had lied when she asked about the death.

What would have happened if I didn’t sleep on my hand.

Why did I live in that first crash

What if the motorcycle had killed me

The fall, the leap, the car, all the times that death should have laid his hands on me and didn’t . What was the purpose. I can think of a thousand times I should have died or when death was upon me and didn’t strike.

I look around and I know that mostly I’ve made the right choices and tried to do that right thing even if my reason or morality as it would be defined by others has been suspect or ambiguous.

What I treasure most in my life, is the sum of all the choices leading to a point.

Now I look at the road ahead and see the road is diverging again.


Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

under the radar

I notice that most work places don't allow the dictionary in the building... workers might actually be able find words like; morale, sympathy, happiness, serenity, totalitarianism, dictatorship, disenfranchisement, antidisestablishmentarianism... Ok that last one was just for fun but you get the point... stay under the radar if you can it's a short week for most of us and it's almost done

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

While Dora was singing in the background

Why is it that anything that benefits others directly and only benefits other secondarily is looked on negatively. Well let me rephrase that, why is it anything that benefits those in the lowest social segments of society directly and everyone else secondarily is looked at as a burden. Investing in real education of all people benefits everyone indirectly by having an entire society that is able to understand many things and if need be perform many tasks and not just a single one thing . Advancing the health care of all makes for a society which is more productive and a health care system which is not overburdened by providing services for people whose illnesses were preventable with basic care if it were available.

However, everyone says an economic policy like trickle down economics is wonderful. It is the same thing in concept, except that a very small group receives the direct benefit and that group is supposed to help others. The problem is that this idea didn’t work because those who got the direct benefit only helped themselves and walked away from the others.

The concept that political people seem to miss completely is that all governments and systems are not merely ideologies or written laws on paper, they are living things with living people and react positively or negatively depending on the changes to how those ideas and laws are applied. Every system of government is a collective and depends on the success of citizens and that all the citizens help one another achieve success.

Having a good idea and not having any idea on how to make it happen isn’t any less of a good idea but it remains an idea. Many great ideas need the help of everyone to succeed. It does not diminish the quality of the idea or result. Peace is an idea which requires everyone’s full effort to not only not harm others themselves but to stand up against any harm to any person. Solon stated the perfect society is one where every person in the society sees any wrong doing in the society no matter the victim as being against themselves. Every person takes equal offense to a failure and every person takes an equal part in correcting the problem.

If one person can not read, we all suffer for it, If one person dies of a preventable disease we all suffer for it
If one person isn’t working we all bare the burden. And we all gain from the successes of anyone


Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

something or other

It is very difficult to transcend the bonds on how we view the world. How we define the world and those in it. While our nature may be one which is brutal and derisive we do have the ability to become more than just simply reacting to stimuli. We can see that beneficial action outweighs self serving action. We are interconnected to each other not just in this generation but to the generations past and those to come. These living generations have lost an understanding of that interconnectedness of humanity. Everything we do is tied to the past, the present and the future. The ripple of each action varies from the smallest to tidal waves.

Mostly we see ourselves as being afloat on the water or we see our selves at the shore and the water is either a blessing or a bane. Seeing that we are always being acted upon by the water around us. However we are the water as well and our actions either calm the water or create the havoc around us.

We evolve, our understanding evolves, however we don’t all evolve at the same rate and at times the old ways slows the evolution and tears at it unable to see that each path only takes us so far along on the journey and a new path begun in order to move forward. We need to see that we are as much the whole and as we are separate individuals not a one or the other.

Ok I’m getting out of the deep end now and I’m going to wade in the shallow end for a bit…. Transformers Rise of the fallen rocked… I would say better than the first one.


Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Let the giants be and take a bite.

I was leaving a friend a note on a social networking site about a trip Doodle and I took to France a few years ago. We had a good time and all but that isn’t the point. We have advanced so far that an 11 year old child and a woefully out of shape middle aged then smoker went to the summit of a mountain which could have only been reached in previous centuries by the daring and very skilled. We truly on the shoulders of giants.

Vistas, concepts, ideology and so on are all taken for granted by the generation today. Technology is killing man and the beauty and wonder of the world. It is a boon to our well being don’t get me wrong but where is the wonder in the everyday now. Soon we will be able to take cable cars to the top of Mount Everest and then sue when the thing freezes and you can’t make it to the summit.

As a whole we don’t even understand the simplest technologies our society is on the brink of dying off because we don’t respect the work and responsibility that went before this generation and that ones before.

Simplify your life you may find that letting go of some of those things that are supposed to make your life better opens wonders right around you and knowledge that is everywhere ripe like the summer fruit.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Still as clear as mud

I’ve noticed that when ever you write or comment to a friend that you are or have been soul searching or have been reflective about things that immediately the reaction is self pity isn’t helpful or why are you wasting your time dwelling on things.

Why can’t you look back without it being a bad thing … even nostalgia has gotten a bad rap as living in the past or clinging to things or conditions that don’t exist any longer.

In my life I have made a lot of choices and a lot of mistakes, I’ve learned from most of them and some I’m still learning. The thing is I know I’m not perfect and I don’t blame anyone for my choices those are mine.

Other people make choices as well and those choices do affect others. I can emote how I feel about the choices of others and be me without it being a negative. How I feel may not be how you want me to feel, but it is my feeling about a situation or condition.

If you eat a shrimp and you break out in hives is it anyone’s fault? Nope. If you know you have this reaction to eating shrimp and you eat them again, where does the fault lie now? What about a third or forth or fifth time? Definitely not the shrimp.

Life and relationships are like that as well. If someone is cruel to you every time you are with them speak to them or are around them, continuing to participate in that relationship is not healthy and it is not wise.

I think most people would agree that if someone is critical of everything you do and fails to recognize any positive in your life you aren’t going to hang around that person much at all. Is this holding a grudge? Or is this really a healthy response to a negative situation.

It is the proverbial line in the sand. Cross this and you have gone too far. That does not make me or anyone else a prude or unpleasant or difficult. Standing up for you own self isn’t always bad. I can’t make a blanket statement that says all things are beneficial because I’m sure there are situations or condition where it is negative.

You can decide that just because you no longer want to suffer by continuing a relation and not hate that person.

I am wrestling with my own issues here and trying to see both sides of the same coin. One where I am one side with people and then another where I am on the other side with a different person.

The perspective is eye opening but I know in the first there is no doubt in anyone’s mind why the situation is the way it is. The other however is not and I am convinced that other people are interfering where they have no business interfering they really have no legitimate reason to say one thing, but they do and continue to interfere and meddle. I’m left to believe that this is petty, selfish and another in a long line of things to make life difficult for me in any way possible. Enjoy your pettiness.

While none of this makes any sense at all in a real sense to anyone reading it has been a good release for me. If you continue to read things may become very much clearer and you may decide that you don’t really like me. It is your choice as always and if your choice is to not like me and read by all means come enjoy the rants, misspellings, grammatical errors, thoughts, reviews ponderings. You can even leave messages positive or negative. I promise that whether you hate me, like me, love me or just amused or baffled by me, I am me. I’m just trying to make sense of the time I have and the things I do and that are done with, to and around me.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

nothing new under the sun

Someone or other perhaps some philosophical Greek dude a long time ago once said there is nothing new under the sun. Meaning that nothing will change and it’s all been done before. In a sense that is true. Really the formula one racecar is nothing more than an improvement of the first wheeled cart which is really just an improvement to dragging something that is too heavy to carry.

However the improvements are nice.

Looking at the world as it’s all been done before is like sitting in a room where all the windows have been bricked or boarded up and the doors sealed. Nothing in or out… nothing changes.

Don’t get me wrong stability isn’t a bad thing… yeah ... random thought but that is a whole other story … still really???...beyond stupid. I digress.

The idea that no change is sometimes great and other times fatal.

The trick I guess is to figure out which things to change and which ones to leave alone.

When giving advice about what to change in someone else’s life though are you giving the advise as what you would do or what you think they should based on how their life is not your own. Who benefits by your advice? Do you or do they?

minutes

We fill our days with things we think are worth the minutes. Then we find we don’t have the minutes to do the things that fill us.

Confused?

Confused

Why is that when a man knows how to take care of housework, clean, shop, do laundry he isn't a worthy person to consider as a person to be in a relationship or is otherwise unmanly. Women as much as men feel he is an open target of ridicule for being willing to do these things.

However these same women will bitch, moan and complain that their significant male other is a worthless, piece of crap that doesn't cook, clean, shop, do laundry or other helpful things around the home?

If someone can give me a valid answer for that I would really like to know.

It isn't that day anymore

So how do you explain something to someone who has no real frame of reference for what you are saying without it sounding like an excuse or pathetic. I know there are things I don’t really get but I do try to be empathic about where others are in their lives. We are free to choose but our choices are limited sometimes by others or by circumstances where we find our lives.

So today I was asked “Why don’t you do this or that?”

I gave lots of reasons why, but really it‘s only one. Mainly I choose to try to be a good parent and be there for my kids and I still choose them over things for myself. Do I regret this, no I don’t regret this choice.

Has it changed my life? Yes it has and mostly I think in a good way. I don’t exactly how it has changed my life but it has. I know I have memories of my children doing things with me and me being there for them and their having more opportunity because of my choice. Now I see them making choices that I would make and choices I wouldn’t make. Doesn’t make me a failure as a parent when they go a different way. I also know that I tried to empower them. I also know I’m not the only one teaching them. Could I have chosen not to be there for them. I certainly could have chosen that path. Where would that road have taken things?

I can only speculate. Would things be any different? Perhaps, they would be maybe they would be exactly where they are now but for different reasons. At least then I could look to myself and know that I made things this way.

Still it’s a choice that has an impact far more reaching than this day and those gone by.

Would I want things differently, certainly. However other people make choices too. Their choices have impacts, either in the reality of someone’s life in that moment of then and there or in the choices of others and our own choices either create or limit opportunity/choices for others.

The choices I made were impacted by the choices of others in my past, and in my present.
While my choices were limiting to my activities they created opportunity for others. My hope is that making the choices today will open more opportunity later. I don’t have a crystal ball, I won’t read my own cards because the crone said it was bad luck to do that, and my dreams only show me pain which is likely to occur or is occurring. So right now I’m creating opportunity for them because I want to do this. Not because I have to, you don’t have to do anything but die. I wouldn’t have the job I have today if people had to make this choice. So I choose.

I justify with other reasons too which are more choices, being shy AKA not being overly confident, being burned by others a few too many times, taken advantage of by others, used, and lots of other unpleasant things. Lack of money which everyone seems to have a bit too much of the lacking today. Yet lots of people want more money for less goods/service than yesterday. Which makes the lack even worse.

You choose it though. Yes I choose. Why don’t you do this it doesn’t cost that much or something else. Well I choose not to have the debt for that because I would like to be able to pay my heating bill. I turn the heat down so I can pay to do something fun a few times a year. Choices or excuses. If you can’t be empathetic they are excuses if you can the are choices.

Maybe I’ve made the wrong choices and I’ve gotten it all wrong. Perhaps when I was six if I had just looked at the cars instead to the trees, it would have all been different.


Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

That's why daddy named you Joe Dirt, Joe Dirt.

From one extreme to another.

So I was thinking about right speech and that has been put to the challenge lately. So have many other things. Currently in my work there is a person whom is power hungry. I’ve found that there is no way to deal with power hungry people they are if anything persistent it is better to leave them to their own paranoid little world where everyone is out to get them and they have to belittle, argue and have everyone conform to their way of doing things.

It’s like the problem is 2 + 2 = 4

Well do 5-1, 3+1, 8-4, 10-6 and so on all equal for but if you don’t arrive at the same conclusion in the same manner well then your way is wrong. No it is not wrong it’s just not how you would do it.

It must be done my way and no other because I said so.

In other news

A co-worker of mine has not seen many a good movie because … well you know I’m not sure why he hasn’t seen any of the movies he hasn’t seen. However until yesterday I had not seen Joe Dirt.

The reasons for this were, I don’t think it was funny from the trailer, I don’t think David Spade is always that funny, in fairness he has his moments, and I don’t know I just felt that it wouldn’t be that good.

Unrelated to David Spade but related because he is like a lot of other actors coming from the late night players just because you were on SNL does not mean you are obligated to star in a movie.

He laid the down this saying that he could not truly good faith take any movie recommendation seriously if I had not seen Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt. Of all movies out there This is the cinematic jewel by which to some extent all others must be judged? Seriously (stealing from SNL)

So it arrived in the Netflix pack. I opened it and beams of light from the heavens or my TV I’m not sure which erupted into my living room. I’m pretty sure it was my TV. I put it in the DVD player. The welcoming bass of George Thorogood rang out of the speaker. Hope swelled in my heart think well if the Bad to Bone Delaware Destroyer has sold out on this perhaps I should put on my cobra snake neck tie and pour a triple threat and relax cause the house rent blues are not playing.

Well I did not pour myself the one bourbon, one scotch and one beer before sitting down in front of the Saga (SAG-GAH ala Dennis Miller) of Joe Dirt and wished that I had done that a couple of times by the end of the movie. However it was not the worst movie in the world. Some high points the queen of the trailer park Jamie Pressley she plays white trash a bit too well, Christopher Walken need I say more, and Rosanna Arquette she really is the female Christoper Walken as far as you need a good actor to play it straight, off the wall, bizarre-o chick, drug addict, sex addict, saggy boobie t-shirt print wearin croc farm owner she is the gal to call.

Low points Kid Rock - nothing more need be said, 747 pilot mooning - WTF???, Carson “are you really that hard up for work” Daly

It is not the worst movie in the world that claim in my opinion still belongs to the Blair Witch Project. - I’m sure there are worse films but those films haven’t taken 90 minutes of my life away that one has and I prayed for them to die from about 45 minutes into the film I wanted to be the one to kill them.

So Joe Dirt on the 5 star scale and zero scale I give it a 2 - I’m not glad I saw it but I’m not over all sorry I saw it either

The movie scale is
0 - hated this film - not worthy of mentioning except to say burn it burn it burn it before it is seen by others,
1 - Sorry I saw it - Can I have a refund of the money of my life which ever is easy for you to recover.
2 - Not glad but not sorry either - not recommending and only admitting to seeing if cornered or to win a bet.
3.- worth the look for me you will have to decide on your own - I’ll tell you what I think if you ask
4 - worth recommending - depending on your taste you should like it but if you don’t it’s not my fault -it does reach across genre barriers most action movies end up here.
5 - must see - for me there is a message in the material or there are things done in the film which make it a ground breaking film

Gotta run


Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Comtemplative

Contemplative.

I have been deep in thought and shallow in thought the last few days and thus no entries have been made. However I’m not sure I’m to the point where I’m going to share the things in my thoughts right now, well in truth some of the things in my thoughts right now. Others will be said with abandon.

I. Started a new writing project the idea came to me in the middle of yard work, was echoed by a friend who said that would make a good story. So I started.

II. Looking back on things and forward and sideways too. All sorts of things in my life. All the pieces don’t fit, some are missing, some aren’t even mine I don’t think. It’s a puzzle and some times I think I’m standing too close to it.

III. Watched a couple of movies I know you’ll find that my movie watching habits are either so woefully behind everyone else has seen it before me or it’s not something many people have seen.

Wristcutters: A love story. So despite the personal curiosity in suicide and how can it be a love story I decided to give a watch. I liked it, is it a great movie. Eh, depends on how you define great. It’s worth a watch and don’t regret the 88 minutes spent watching.

And

The Big Empty
Jon Favreau is probably one of my favorite actors. It was an interesting movie and I really liked it, I would recommend it to anyone who is open minded enough to watch a movie without big explosions and pointless catch phrases. That said I like those movies too but both worlds can exist and have merit. Just open up a little bit and look outside your own little box.

IV. I have a new cat. Well he is a used cat but new to me. He is getting along well with Mouse the cat.

V. Trying to be more productive as in more focused and not all modern day segmented focused. I think that because we have become so used to seeing things when we want and know the can always go back to things we tend to only half focus on things and loose a lot of the details. That is worthy of a full entry and better thought so I’ll stop. In true modern fashion.


Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Make an act of contrition

More pondering, rather than pandering. I may have missed something along the line. A number of times I’ve been called priest or pope not that have lived a priestly life or even what one would call a pious life. Some would argue that the virtues associated with those names were as far removed from me as Pluto (not the dog) is from the Sun.

However, one virtue if you want to call it that is I listen well. I don’t always offer advice or the best when given, I don’t judge the person who is telling me things or I try not to show it, and I think most importantly I don’t tell people’s secrets. If they tell me something I keep it too myself. If I see something I keep it too myself. If I just know something that would be not my right to share I keep it too myself.

As a result of this people will tell me, the most damaging, the most embarrassing, really horrible things about other people, the most bizarre things about themselves. Things people would take to their grave stuff too.

I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone truly fill that bill for me even though I did have a confessor at one point. Someone I felt I could tell anything too and did. They know things about me that I didn’t tell other people but they did tell some things.

I seem to take on that role with many people and haven’t ever realized that I have filled that purpose of confessor. I have even kept things to myself that could have altered my life at times. There was one time I did not keep that role about something and in retrospect probably should have because the truth didn’t serve any purpose but at the time I felt that the person did need to know.

I have already written about it so it’s not like I’m letting anything new out of the bag. Doodle and CPG had a huge fight once, which led to doodle living with me and she hasn’t lived with CPG other than a few weeks since then for 4 years. CPG was drunk screaming and threw doodle out of the house. CPG told doodle, I wish you had never been born; you have f---‘ed up my life, I should have kept the appointment to have you aborted instead of letting your f---ing dad talk me out of it.

Well Doodle asked me if that was true. It wasn’t in the middle of the fight I wasn’t there when that happened. I was called while I was out with friends by my daughter saying her mother had thrown her out of the house. I tried to call CPG to see if this was Doodle playing me against her mother. She didn’t answer the phone. I pull up to CPG’s house and Doodle is there on the porch things in hand and the door is locked and she isn’t answering her phone or the door.

I took doodle home, got her settled and then we talked about it when she was ready a few days later. CPG didn’t attempt to talk to Doodle for over a week. No calls to her or asking for her.

She called me once asked where she was I said at my house. And she told me to f off and hung up when I asked what was going on. Anyway I did tell her that her mom had scheduled an abortion and we did talk about was this the right thing to do or not. Doodle asked me what my first thoughts were when I found out about CPG being pregnant. Honestly I was ready to be a father in that moment. However to be completely honest if you had asked me a day before I would have said no I’m not ready, if you had asked me the minute before I knew CPG was pregnant I would have probably said no I don’t want to be a parent. And I would have said schedule the appointment. I didn’t say that though I said lets keep it and I did say it. I’m not going to try to color my role to be perfect. I also said every parent has times when they wonder what my life would be like had I made different choices. I haven’t regretted making the choice to be a parent even now when my daughter won’t speak to me or return calls or letters.

So I answered a question honestly I answered it honestly including my own role in it and my own doubts about parenting. I could have left out things about myself or painted things about CPG to make her seem worse in the situation. I tried to soften the words that I know hurt doodle deeply and they can’t be taken back. I grew up with a lot of the same words, stupid, worthless, pathetic, piece of sh-t and more.

I’ve tried to understand were it all comes from to soften it. Many times the truth is ugly and hurtful and it isn’t what people want to know. But sometimes to survive you have to find someone to tell these things too or it will eat you up inside. If my role of confessor for those who do tell me things helps them I’m glad to be there

Now to figure out my own things.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

More on the monumentally stupid

I’m still not able to completely wrap my head around the colossal blunder and monumentally tragic thing. There is a chance that I will never understand it.

However from a point of destructive self fulfillment and setting one’s self up for failure it makes perfect sense. The idea that someone will intentionally or even unintentionally do things they know on some level are just not good ideas. Then spend what ever time they are in the middle of that bad choice romanticizing the choice to make it sound like a good one. Keeping it mainly to themselves and defending it ardently to anyone who protests or attacking the protester not the protest. It isn’t a guilty pleasure kind of thing either, this is guilt without defense other then put on being offended or justifying the action by condemnation of the condemners, or finding persons of such weak moral character who approve of the action. Of course they will approve they have no compass to guide them and will do anything to please any one.

I find myself in the group of person’s who can not protest because I will be attacked rather than listened too. Which is sad, no honestly it is beyond sad that someone can be so deluded without actually being insane.

You need help, you need to get away from the same old thing, you need to leave that part of your life in a box beside the dumpster and move on. This is of course a metaphor but still these actions do need to happen and people put into places best left undisturbed. I could myself take a dose of this medicine concerning my own doormat mentality on things. I am trying to as the Hagakure suggests removing the self from the situation and moving on that as a means to understand, act and to advise others.

I will have to meditate on this more before moving forward.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood,

Ciao,

In the midst of my other thing

Was noticing that a lot of Bill's stuff doesn't happen in his native land. It's here and there and everywhere but not under his nose.

hmmm.... not sure if that means anything or not. Just a thought.

MLK day

I remember pulling out the sleeve of the Stevie Wonder LP Songs in the Key of Life on the sleeve was information on how to petition the US Government to make Martin Luther King's birthday a national holiday. (song in my head at the moment is Timbuk 3 national holiday)

I'm sure other artist did the same thing in their album sleeves to promote something to bring about a change in the world. I think we have taken a lot of steps toward things that bring us together as a people who support each other in peace. However there is a long, long, road ahead.

I see the injustices in how we treat one another and try not to do things myself which cause harm but I know I do. Even my own thoughts that I keep to myself are not a one world where everyone is free to everything they want. I know a lot of those ideas are my own feelings about specific people in my life and the same thing done with someone I don't know is fine.

I know that some of the things I have done in my life would cause many people to take pause and judge me - so I keep them to myself.

How much harder it will be to change the hearts of mankind when we have had such a hard time simply just changing how we see each other on the surface. Well I suppose that one has been fought since the beginning.

I wonder what was the first act of kindness one human bestowed upon another. Then the yin and yang of life there was that first act of hate.

I hope today everyone will think of ways to share the kindness within themselves and tomorrow act on that kindness when our nation has a new leader and the world will listen to a new voice from our nation. Then each day just do one thing that is for the betterment of someone else. Maybe we can all have a dream of a better world that can come true in our life time.

To blog or not to blog?

While I may from time to time come up with a witty thing to title pages to my blog I am not Bill.

To blog or not to blog that is the question, whether it be nobler to suffer... yeah I'm not going to steal the whole thing and besides I think I got it wrong after the bit everyone knows.

I ask because eventually people will start reading and then no matter what your intent as the writer is the intent that matters is that which is read. So do I say I don't care if people misread me or do I just keep a paper journal and deal with that if and when anyone reads them. Most likely the paper one I keep won't be read until I'm dead and maybe not even then.

Sort of related to the legacy thing. What do we leave behind? what mark do we leave on the world. I'm not sure I will leave any other then my children and if they have grand children.

I'm not really bothered by that though mainly because I won't be around for it and the I'm all right with that too. I guess the whole thing I have the problem with is the whole how to fill the space between now and when I'm dead.

Yeah that's the big struggle for everyone. How to fill the space between. Well I'll let you know if I have any thoughts on that.