2008 nearly gone

Another calendar nearly gone... again. This year alone ... again.

I wasn't alone last year as the calendar flipped and I still very much wish I was with her again this year, I won't be no matter how hard I wish... even if I close my eyes and pray with every fiber of my being.

So I will be alone, it's just one more day alone

Whose in the room

Our lives are a series of rooms. Rooms we build and rooms we visit. The ones we visit are built by other people. The rooms we build have rules that we like the ones we visit have rules that other people like.

How do you act in the rooms of others?

Still self censoring which sucks but at least I'm leaving you all with a question. And at this point I'm thinking that the only one left with the question is me.

I just don't understand...

There is a lot in life that I don't understand. So much so that there isn't time or space to explain all of the things that I don't understand.

Recently the things I don't understand have expanded

However with that realization that there are things I don't understand I have decided that I don't really care. I am pulling back and becoming what I once was a long time ago.

I can't stop self censoring and it is driving me crazy. I'll write something and then I delete it.

I write it differently and delete it again.

what is the point in doing anything if I'm not saying what I want to say

Oh and by the way I really really am not good at HALO3

'tis the season... for what I'm not really sure.

I look around me and I see my fellow humans. Mostly I just shake my head. I'm not any better than anyone else on the planet. My life is my own and worth the same 7.38 in compounds as anyone else. I'm accused of thinking I'm better than others but that is something else entirely.

The point is that in my own lifetime I've seen this society turn into a toxic waste dump. We are truly devoid of any culture, manners, respect, caring, or humanity.

We delude ourselves into thinking we are OK but we are not. We think we care because we buy gifts for people, we say nice things to those we know, we act polite when we are around those who might think ill of us if they saw us act a certain way.

I watched a mass of people go through a store that was going out of business. Sad really because it's a good store. I like it and would shop there more if I had more money. However these people took things off the shelf and if it wasn't what they wanted they just tossed it on the floor. All over the store there was really no order.

I had to leave because I could stomach the sheer disregard for order that was displayed there.

merry christmas indeed

My head hurts

My head hurts and my computer monitor died. So I'm using some dinosaur thing I had in the basement.

Just my luck though


I'm self censoring and I don't like it and the silly thing is no one is even reading this right now and I'm still self censoring because I'm worried about what some one may think.

Saturday with Jonathan Trager

Well, it's Saturday and so far I've drank some coffee, eaten some breakfast, watched one of my favorite movies.

Now, I am going to head out into the world of commerce, I don't want to do this not even a little bit but I sort of need to not because I think I need to spend money but because the four walls here are sucking a lot and walking around the malls is cheaper hopefully than getting drunk.

I do need to get out from in front of the movies though.

I have a theory though that every movie, well most every movie, will have one line that has meaning the rest of it's usually crap to fill in the time needed to make money. So if you can write one really good line that has some meaning then you can build around that. If you can find the one meaningful thought then you know what inspired the author. I found it today in one of my favorite movies.

I think the same thing applies to books too but usually there is one in every chapter then unless what you are reading is a biography then it's a fact about the person but I don't read biographies much.

So I guess the thing is be careful about what you write it may inspire you one way but someone else another.

Oh and no I will not tell you the lines, you'll have to find them for yourself. Because while I may have unlocked one thing you may unlock something else.

Now I'm off to the wild world of pre-Christmas shopping - I hope I survive

It really isn't a laughing matter

Funny how things work in the world. Funny that we say funny when we really mean strange and not funny haha but a lack of understanding.

I suppose it goes to the saying if you can’t laugh at it you would cry. But you do cry, perhaps not saline from you eyes but inside the hurt of it cripples you.

I don’t like the saying it’s not you, it’s me. Because it’s a lie. What is it about me that is so bad?

Can't sleep.. but I'm going to try again soon

I'm sitting here now listening to a song which in it's entire play does not have anything with how I feel but there are bits of it that reflect it very well.

No I'm not going to share what that song is because I've learned not to do that. That was part of why I quit blogging everyday. People read things and then they assume they know exactly how you feel about everything. Wrong.

Then there is also this annoy thing that the only acceptable emotion anymore is happy. When did the people from the Happy Global Conglomerate get a strangle hold on the emotional state of the world? I must have missed that memo or e-mail as we don't have memos any more. Which I suppose is a good thing save the trees and all. I am really about saving the trees. However not the point the point is I'm not happy right now. I'm not ready to cut my throat or wrists and I don't need a freaky little pill or some emotionally strained counselor who can't get their own life to work any better to tell me that I need some thing to make me fell OK.

I'm OK I'm working on a plan to change things. my agenda and time frame are not yours and while I may be more in line with the grasshopper from the ant and the grasshopper... I'm at least looking for grains of wheat to put away for winter.

The thing is it's OK to be sad, depressed even, angry and any other emotional state that you want to be in but this manic, plastic, put on, happy all the time crap is for the birds. Which I'm not all happy about unless they are birds of prey they are cool most of the others are just rats with wings who crap on my car and places I want to sit outside. Bad birds go crap on something else. karma is crapping on my life right now and I'm not feeling sorry for myself either I'm just not OK with how and where things are in my life right now.

And if one more persons say you just have to decide to be happy and good things will happen to you. OK you decide to be happy and say that crap too me once more I'll choke the life right out of your smiling face and see if you think that is a good thing because you decided to be happy. Let me be how I feel which right now is not happy.

Unfortunate too that my not happy feeling is around the most plastic happy time of the year. OH I want to puke about a dozen times a day anymore. Yes I'm sick that this holiday has become the corporate orgy that we color red and green.

Everyone says I just hate that I have to buy all this stuff for all of these people ... Guess what you don't have to do it. You can say no and be nice about it but you have a head on your shoulders say no. I'm saying no to some people this year. No I'm sorry I can't, no it's not because I don't like you. I like you fine and when did what I buy for you become the measure of my feelings for you? And if that is the measure you use to determine how much you like a person is directly related to how much they spend on you at this time of year then you are in need of some introspection.

I'm ranting. The above is just how I feel and it not about anyone person. Another reason I stopped writing.

Carly Simon? "You're so vain you probably think this 'blog' is about you"

It's not it is a cathartic thing for me so my head won't explode.

OK, I say that a lot, as I just did the spell check thingy it was in the entry a bunch. I'll have to work on that. Sorry if you hate that word a bit more now. I know I do. There isn't much that can be done about the I appearing so much as this is about me and my thoughts so it will appear with great frequency as it does in yours if you keep a blog, journal etc.

So off to try to find some slumber

Back to writting or at least trying

So once upon a time I use to write every single day. Little by little that all began to slow down and then finally came to a complete stop. So I'm going to try to start writing again everyday. Some days I'll have interesting things to say and sometimes I will not have anything that is all that interesting. I'm not one of those self absorbed idiots who thinks that everything I say is some golden nugget of truth that will enlighten mankind to several steps closer to Nirvana.

Oh by the way my spelling and use of punctuation is bad. Really bad. So if you are reading and you think you know I really like what is said here but the spelling is bad and the grammar is also bad. I know get over it they really are just suggestions anyway to help convey the message to as many people as possible in the same manner. But if you get what that point of the message is, then it doesn't matter so much how it looks. That said I do believe you should try your very best to do things to the best of ones ability.

I also tend to be a bit disjointed in the things I write and just jump around where my mind takes me

Commercial song "I have a package full of wishes .... what kind of world do you want"

See.

Well I think that is all for now... oh no.. yeah that's it

Invisible don
king of the bastards (bumper stickers are available)

Mistakes

This is going to sound very gender biased but I will say it anyway.

Women are allowed to make more mistakes than men.

I'm not exactly sure why, there are a lot of theories that support the idea. There is the one that explains it pretty well but I won't get into it because I don't want anyone to think this is about them when it isn't.

However, looking at my life and the lives of every single person I've met in my life and gotten to know this holds true.

Women are allowed to make more mistakes than men and no matter how big most likely the mistake or intentional misdeed will be forgiven.

The opposite sided of the coin is that men are not and even smaller mistakes are less likely to be forgiven if at all.

Just my thoughts

Mistakes

This is going to sound very gender biased but I will say it anyway.

Women are aloud to make more mistakes than men.

I'm not exactly sure why, there are a lot of theories that support the idea. There is the one that explains it pretty well but I won't get into it because I don't want anyone to think this is about them when it isn't.

However, looking at my life and the lives of every single person I've met in my life and gotten to know this holds true.

Women are aloud to make more mistakes than men and no matter how big most likely the mistake or intentional misdeed will be forgiven.

The opposite sided of the coin is that men are not and even smaller mistakes are less likely to be forgiven if at all.

Just my thoughts

May 2008

May 2008

May continues about the same as April

Nothing terribly exciting but I’m sure there were days that were grand and things which were not so grand

I did get a call from Doodle one day
Hey dad can I get a tattoo
No, I really think you should wait until you are 18 and you don’t need my permission.

The conversation was longer than that but that was the main point.

Peacemaker was taker her to get the tattoo while she was on the phone with me.

Remember how she just showed up at my door in April. Yeah well she just kept showing up or asking me to her place.
Why I kept going or letting her in

1. I’m in love with her
2. I’m always happy to see her

We talk about getting the suicide pill for quitting smoking and sometime in May we start walking every day.

Did I mention that I love her and the way wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me.

Stunt boy finishes his last full month of elementary school

Work is work and getting less crazy but not really.

May ends and the pool opens.



Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

April 2008

April 2008

So March ended with me not being in a relationship anymore.

Then out of the blue she shows up at the door and open it because
1. I’m in love with her
2. I’m happy to see her
3. I want to be friends if we can’t be together but I’m scared of that too.
4. I’m also not very smart

So I answer the door and she throws herself on me, wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me.

I’m confused but I don’t ask I just go with the moment. I think I finally asked what was going on a few days later. Which she never answered.

Doodle never called about the tattoo. She did call and asked what I thought about a car though. I said I didn’t think she needed one and that I didn’t have the money to help anyone pay for one for her.

Without getting too much into it but finances are tight. Like they are for everyone else. So I’m not feeling picked on that way just trying to keep my head above water.

Stunt boy and I are getting along he doesn’t have anything this month but he had been busy for Jan, Feb and March and he is happy.

I had been having lunch with Stunt boy about every other week from all of his elementary school years and that was coming to an end. Partly because he was ending elementary school and partly because he was socializing more with his friend and not wanting to have his dad there. We were having our last matches of lunch time thumb wrestling matches. Which he wins - he has a wriggly thumb

Work is work and getting less crazy but not really.

April ends



Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

March 2008

March 2008

Most of the month of march went well it really did. Then at the end of the month She said things are over out of the blue. I took it well enough but tried to understand it and didn’t want things to end.

Stunt boy and I were getting along well - he had his OotM competition and his team lost but they did do very well in the competition. CPG and doodle did come to the event but were late and did not arrive in time to see him perform. CPG played it off as she had seen the whole thing even thought she got there right as it was ending She did the same thing when doodle was in a play in the 6th grade. Missed the whole thing and pretended to have made it to the play. I didn’t say anything to Stunt-boy and let her tell her lies to him because ultimately it would hurt him more and CPG will still keep doing the same thing.

Doodle ignored me at the OotM event and didn’t even speak to me in person. This was I because she wants to get a tattoo. Doodle is still living in West by god and still not talking to me, doesn’t answer my phone calls. She did send me an e-mail asking about getting a tattoo at 16. I advised the following:


We've already talked about this before and you know I'm not against them because I have them. However, this is a life time thing and it is very expensive to get them taken off and 10 times more painful than getting a tattoo. Who you are today is not going to be who you are at 25 or older. By that I mean what you like and find appealing will change over time too and seeing a tattoo on your body every day has to be something you aren't going to get sick of or wish you had not have gotten in the first place. I just don't want you to make a decision now that you will regret a few years down the road. Ultimately it is your body and it's your choice what you want to put on it or not. There is no hurry to get a tattoo, they've been doing them for several thousand years and are not likely to stop doing them any time soon. I think the where you get it is important especially as you are not 18 yet.

I want to think about this some more before a say yes or no. I would tell anyone regardless of their age to wait it out a while and see if it is really something you like and want to have on your body forever and too really think about what it means to you to have a tattoo and that particular design because it is forever. Also think about the nose ring, I know you had some problems with it but you also said you got tired of it too. That was an easy fix, just take it out and it's done. However this isn't the same. You can't just take a tattoo off when you are tired of it. I'm not preaching I want you to think about it and let me know how you feel about why you want the tattoo.

I love you and will listen to you and what you have to say about this. Hope everything else is going well.

Love always,

dad


She never responded back to the e-mail or called during the month nor did she answer the phone calls made and as already stated didn’t talk to me in the middle of the month when she was here.

The bright side is that she did at least come with my mother to see her brother. My mother was also very nearly late for the performance. They, CPG, Doodle, the beta unit, all left as the OotM after the play is waiting for grades and doing a Q and A bit so it’s a lot of sitting around and waiting and boring stuff. However, for stunt boy it’s partly boring partly nervous energy waiting for your turn to come up and while not a lot of action is exciting. I can put myself in his shoes and be there for him. I have tried to be there for both of my kids things 100% of the time.

I have missed a lot of doodle things in West Virginia however I drove to three football games to watch her cheer she talked to me at two of them. One I was late for but I sat in the rain with the handful of others watching her it was an away game for her team so I drove three hours to the game to drive three hours back that night.

I wish I could be there for everything it kills me that I miss what I do miss.

March ends



Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

February 2008

February 2008

As I’m writing I know things that I didn’t know then and I’m trying to keep them out of the entries so they may seem a bit bland compared to others as they are not from the moment when I was in them.


Work was getting a bit better but not great. Better as in new people were being hired but not a lot

Spent Valentines day with someone who really wanted to be with me that day. It was a great day.

I bought something for her, which I think she liked but not as much as I hoped she would like it. I got it at a local shop and was made by an area artisan/craft person. So the store didn’t have fancy boxes. Which was very cool because I like to make my own cards now and gifts when I can. I’m not talented enough to make jewelry but I was able to decorate the box and I think she liked that more than the contents.

Doodle is living in West by god and came down here close to her b-day. She wanted Ski boots. So I’m taking her and we get into an argument she gets out of my moving car. Which is frustrating, and dangerous. So she gets back into the car. Refuses to speak to me, calls CPG on the phone, tells her I’m being an ass and just holds the phone open so anything that is said can be heard by CPG. I don’t say anything, my relationship with my daughter has in one year gone from close to non-existent an no reason has been given.

Stunt boy was at CPG’s for the Doodle thing

We are getting along well at this time and he has practice every week for OotM so he is busy with that and I help him every night he is here with his lines.

I ended up buying the ski boots in hopes that this might repair the relationship some and Doodle could use them to ski and get a job she wanted in the Ski Wee program. So trying to see the silver lining in all of this, she is actually finally motivate to start working and learning the value of money and that is a good thing. I don’t actually see any of her grades but everyone says she is passing everything. So continue to make my calls which go unanswered and send letters which I don’t know are even read.



Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

January 2008

January 2008

Woke up New Years day in the arms or more to the point someone in my arms.

Work was still crazy and getting crazier by the day near the end of the month I came close to a melt down getting 8 new cases in one day and having already gotten 10 that week.
Was in the relationship with S and that was going well
But I should have took notice to the comment then that they didn’t feel sorry for me and it bothered me but I blew it off and explained that everyone has bad days and with the way things had been at work bad days of being stressed to the max were in abundance.

At least I wasn’t pulling a rolling stone song every day and twice as much when I was having a bad day. You learn to cope without chemical assistance. And just because I don’t run around screaming and flinging papers around demanding that things get done by other people. I mentally keep things in and develop a plan of action and calmly try to achieve them. However, trying to build a house of cards in an earthquake you are going to say sometimes, you know it’s just too much I want to quit and you can take the job and shove it up your (blankity –Beep) so there.

Sorry I’m not Zen like in my composure all of the time or respond in the chicken with it’s head-cut off running around that some many other co-workers were doing. I could roll on about certain stressors adding to my having a really bad day and making a comment to a person I was in a relationship with who I saw as someone who could be turned to in a time to just listen – good god this sucks – nope. She based her lack of empathy on a single comment from a co-worker who at that point in a year and half had talked to me once, never been to my cubicle, every effort I made to attempt to get to know this co-worker was rebuffed and each conversation attempt walked away from by this person. So sure that person’s evaluation of my work performance must be spot on.

I don’t know how many times I sat and listened to every little bemoaning trivial problem she had and listened supportively, offered advice when appropriate and kept a distance when I needed to as in it’s not my place to be there in the middle of this problem. Oh and I know I hate myself for being a doormat so I know I need to speak up but that is a different issue.

This is degenerating into a much bigger thing which I’ll write about later in other January news.

Stunt-boy was doing well in school
Doodle was in still in Westbygod living at the asylum with the beta unit and from the sporadic reports I got was doing well.

Mouse was doing well and I had two dogs as well. It even snowed one day, I think.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Secrets

bright

good friend

Disappointed

Sad

Hopeful

Wishing

Confussed

Smiles

Smiles

Smiles

Smiles