2008 nearly gone

Another calendar nearly gone... again. This year alone ... again.

I wasn't alone last year as the calendar flipped and I still very much wish I was with her again this year, I won't be no matter how hard I wish... even if I close my eyes and pray with every fiber of my being.

So I will be alone, it's just one more day alone

Whose in the room

Our lives are a series of rooms. Rooms we build and rooms we visit. The ones we visit are built by other people. The rooms we build have rules that we like the ones we visit have rules that other people like.

How do you act in the rooms of others?

Still self censoring which sucks but at least I'm leaving you all with a question. And at this point I'm thinking that the only one left with the question is me.

I just don't understand...

There is a lot in life that I don't understand. So much so that there isn't time or space to explain all of the things that I don't understand.

Recently the things I don't understand have expanded

However with that realization that there are things I don't understand I have decided that I don't really care. I am pulling back and becoming what I once was a long time ago.

I can't stop self censoring and it is driving me crazy. I'll write something and then I delete it.

I write it differently and delete it again.

what is the point in doing anything if I'm not saying what I want to say

Oh and by the way I really really am not good at HALO3

'tis the season... for what I'm not really sure.

I look around me and I see my fellow humans. Mostly I just shake my head. I'm not any better than anyone else on the planet. My life is my own and worth the same 7.38 in compounds as anyone else. I'm accused of thinking I'm better than others but that is something else entirely.

The point is that in my own lifetime I've seen this society turn into a toxic waste dump. We are truly devoid of any culture, manners, respect, caring, or humanity.

We delude ourselves into thinking we are OK but we are not. We think we care because we buy gifts for people, we say nice things to those we know, we act polite when we are around those who might think ill of us if they saw us act a certain way.

I watched a mass of people go through a store that was going out of business. Sad really because it's a good store. I like it and would shop there more if I had more money. However these people took things off the shelf and if it wasn't what they wanted they just tossed it on the floor. All over the store there was really no order.

I had to leave because I could stomach the sheer disregard for order that was displayed there.

merry christmas indeed

My head hurts

My head hurts and my computer monitor died. So I'm using some dinosaur thing I had in the basement.

Just my luck though


I'm self censoring and I don't like it and the silly thing is no one is even reading this right now and I'm still self censoring because I'm worried about what some one may think.

Saturday with Jonathan Trager

Well, it's Saturday and so far I've drank some coffee, eaten some breakfast, watched one of my favorite movies.

Now, I am going to head out into the world of commerce, I don't want to do this not even a little bit but I sort of need to not because I think I need to spend money but because the four walls here are sucking a lot and walking around the malls is cheaper hopefully than getting drunk.

I do need to get out from in front of the movies though.

I have a theory though that every movie, well most every movie, will have one line that has meaning the rest of it's usually crap to fill in the time needed to make money. So if you can write one really good line that has some meaning then you can build around that. If you can find the one meaningful thought then you know what inspired the author. I found it today in one of my favorite movies.

I think the same thing applies to books too but usually there is one in every chapter then unless what you are reading is a biography then it's a fact about the person but I don't read biographies much.

So I guess the thing is be careful about what you write it may inspire you one way but someone else another.

Oh and no I will not tell you the lines, you'll have to find them for yourself. Because while I may have unlocked one thing you may unlock something else.

Now I'm off to the wild world of pre-Christmas shopping - I hope I survive

It really isn't a laughing matter

Funny how things work in the world. Funny that we say funny when we really mean strange and not funny haha but a lack of understanding.

I suppose it goes to the saying if you can’t laugh at it you would cry. But you do cry, perhaps not saline from you eyes but inside the hurt of it cripples you.

I don’t like the saying it’s not you, it’s me. Because it’s a lie. What is it about me that is so bad?

Can't sleep.. but I'm going to try again soon

I'm sitting here now listening to a song which in it's entire play does not have anything with how I feel but there are bits of it that reflect it very well.

No I'm not going to share what that song is because I've learned not to do that. That was part of why I quit blogging everyday. People read things and then they assume they know exactly how you feel about everything. Wrong.

Then there is also this annoy thing that the only acceptable emotion anymore is happy. When did the people from the Happy Global Conglomerate get a strangle hold on the emotional state of the world? I must have missed that memo or e-mail as we don't have memos any more. Which I suppose is a good thing save the trees and all. I am really about saving the trees. However not the point the point is I'm not happy right now. I'm not ready to cut my throat or wrists and I don't need a freaky little pill or some emotionally strained counselor who can't get their own life to work any better to tell me that I need some thing to make me fell OK.

I'm OK I'm working on a plan to change things. my agenda and time frame are not yours and while I may be more in line with the grasshopper from the ant and the grasshopper... I'm at least looking for grains of wheat to put away for winter.

The thing is it's OK to be sad, depressed even, angry and any other emotional state that you want to be in but this manic, plastic, put on, happy all the time crap is for the birds. Which I'm not all happy about unless they are birds of prey they are cool most of the others are just rats with wings who crap on my car and places I want to sit outside. Bad birds go crap on something else. karma is crapping on my life right now and I'm not feeling sorry for myself either I'm just not OK with how and where things are in my life right now.

And if one more persons say you just have to decide to be happy and good things will happen to you. OK you decide to be happy and say that crap too me once more I'll choke the life right out of your smiling face and see if you think that is a good thing because you decided to be happy. Let me be how I feel which right now is not happy.

Unfortunate too that my not happy feeling is around the most plastic happy time of the year. OH I want to puke about a dozen times a day anymore. Yes I'm sick that this holiday has become the corporate orgy that we color red and green.

Everyone says I just hate that I have to buy all this stuff for all of these people ... Guess what you don't have to do it. You can say no and be nice about it but you have a head on your shoulders say no. I'm saying no to some people this year. No I'm sorry I can't, no it's not because I don't like you. I like you fine and when did what I buy for you become the measure of my feelings for you? And if that is the measure you use to determine how much you like a person is directly related to how much they spend on you at this time of year then you are in need of some introspection.

I'm ranting. The above is just how I feel and it not about anyone person. Another reason I stopped writing.

Carly Simon? "You're so vain you probably think this 'blog' is about you"

It's not it is a cathartic thing for me so my head won't explode.

OK, I say that a lot, as I just did the spell check thingy it was in the entry a bunch. I'll have to work on that. Sorry if you hate that word a bit more now. I know I do. There isn't much that can be done about the I appearing so much as this is about me and my thoughts so it will appear with great frequency as it does in yours if you keep a blog, journal etc.

So off to try to find some slumber

Back to writting or at least trying

So once upon a time I use to write every single day. Little by little that all began to slow down and then finally came to a complete stop. So I'm going to try to start writing again everyday. Some days I'll have interesting things to say and sometimes I will not have anything that is all that interesting. I'm not one of those self absorbed idiots who thinks that everything I say is some golden nugget of truth that will enlighten mankind to several steps closer to Nirvana.

Oh by the way my spelling and use of punctuation is bad. Really bad. So if you are reading and you think you know I really like what is said here but the spelling is bad and the grammar is also bad. I know get over it they really are just suggestions anyway to help convey the message to as many people as possible in the same manner. But if you get what that point of the message is, then it doesn't matter so much how it looks. That said I do believe you should try your very best to do things to the best of ones ability.

I also tend to be a bit disjointed in the things I write and just jump around where my mind takes me

Commercial song "I have a package full of wishes .... what kind of world do you want"

See.

Well I think that is all for now... oh no.. yeah that's it

Invisible don
king of the bastards (bumper stickers are available)