I didn't but I may know someone who has...

Confession is good for the soul or so they say. Once upon a time that would have been a large part of a career path I was exploring. I say exploring because there probably wasn’t a “calling” to the priestly life.

However there seems to be echoes of all those things in my life. An affinity for black clothing is not chief among those but confession seems to be.

I’m not so much a fan of confession so to speak and I concede that this is a form of confession or an unburdening of thoughts and a retelling of deeds and my perspective on my part of those actions.

However people have always been drawn to me to tell me what they have done in there lives. They may continue to come and tell me these things over and over again because I do tend to keep them too myself.

Sure running off then to the next person and saying did you know this or that would fulfill a social gap in my life but I enjoy being the only one who knows something. Which isn’t entirely true usually most anything we do is with at least one other person so that person knows and if you tell someone then one more person knows. Most likely everyone involved is going to tell someone. That is why secrets don’t stay secret we like to tell them. I like to keep them. They aren’t tangible but it does mean something to me.

Partly that I value that people deem me worthy enough to bare their missteps, sins, fears, secrets, or just to say something they wouldn’t say in front of anyone else.

I listen more than advise, because it isn’t only my place to advise and it certainly isn’t my place to forgive or redeem but I don’t judge people by what they tell me they have done to others.

They haven’t done these things to me, so it isn’t my place to judge and thankfully no one has come up to me and said oh hey Bee Tee Double U I have a dead body in the trunk of my car and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it.

I’m not sure I would be around to talk about that sort of thing anyway because than that makes you a witness or at least a loose end and that usually means more bad things.

Not that everything that people tell me is bad because it isn’t mainly they are regrets, or fears, or anxieties … I think fears and anxieties are different slightly … sometimes they are sins but according to who or whom?

Certainly not me and don’t get me wrong there are universal wrongs out there but a lot of the things that we obsess about aren’t universal at to their deviance usually the actions are deemed to be unacceptable by some segment of society … ok … I don’t subscribe to a lot of that noise because it is all mostly there to control our actions according to someone else’s ideals … some other person who probably does some of the same things they expect you not to do.
I don’t know why people tell me their stories, their sins, the ethical snags but they do. And as long as they tell me, I’ll keep listening and not telling about it and hopefully they will keep coming back to tell me what’s on their minds.

In other news

Oddly enough Amish/Mennonite women are as appealing as trashy girls… probably a yin yang thing…by trashy girl I don’t mean slut that is a whole other thing… I’ll explain it in another issue.

Well, that’s all for now, other stuff tomorrow most likely

Happy Birthday if it’s your birthday and a very merry un birthday if it isn’t your birthday

Thank you for reading, please subscribe, you know if you are reading this on blogspot or on diaryland. If you are reading on face book well you are already subscribed. Aren’t you happy.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,






PS 3 Gamer Tag: invisible don

PO Box 4425 Roanoke VA 24015

The spider will be so happy

It has been a while since I’ve written part of that is intentional and part of it is because I’ve not taken the time to sort out my thoughts, such that they are thoughts it’s a big mess in my head and I’m partially amazed that I make it out the door with my head together most days and then sitting down to try to put all of that out on paper…well it looks like a sheet of paper hanging there on the computer screen and the words magical appears as I strike the keys under my fingers. Part of the unintentional delay is that I find it hard to start some times. Come up with a title or just write.

Seriously coming up with the titles to these things are quite the puzzler, you try it just sit down come up with a title and then write… yeah that’s what I thought.

Then if you just start writing what direction do you go in with out a map or title if you will. As you can probably discern I chose to go with out a title today and things are a bit scattered.

You think anyone comes up with the perfect title and then starts out to write exactly that thing, hardly …however the process is not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m not sure exactly what I’m here to talk about it part of the problem still, listening to music I’m not familiar with doesn’t help with the ADD either.

It isn’t that I think what I have to say is particularly important and it isn’t really all that unimportant either, who is to say that somehow the printed versions of this stuff isn’t the last bits of the English language left for some far off generation. I know, right.

The idea that something is ultimately more important than another thing is all relative and probably speculative as well. Sure two things laid beside each other on a given day a certain significance can be put upon one over another but what about in 100 years or a 1000 years.

I think we lose sight of things that are right within our reach by looking too far ahead, behind or to our own perceived importance.

However I wonder about effort and luck and how much the two are completely unrelated but tied together. Vince said that to have luck you have to put in a shit ton of effort, he said it better but don’t know how to spell his name correctly and I’m not looking it up and therefore I’m not doing an exact quote either. Effort, yeah I get it there is the difference.

But really what does it matter because do you know Vince? Did you know Vince? Did you ever meet Vince? I’m willing to bet my customary nickel that it is no to all of those so pay up. But the thing is if I say he said something that perhaps he didn’t say but enough people believed that he did then it could become fact or at least a commonly held truth, just like ships captains can’t really marry people just because they are the captain of a ship. Most people believe that they can, doesn’t make it so. However they are likely to ask you to prove it.

So the intentional part of my delay is that I issued a challenge in the last entry and if you utter a challenge it should be left up for a bit to give people a chance to weight it out in their mind to see if they want to accept a challenge or not. If you are not familiar with said challenge, it is simply to have an intimate relationship via words only never meeting the other person and to so via the written word, ie snail mail.

Well, it seems that I have a willing participant in this venture I’m willing to accept others as well the one benefit to written intimacy is that communication is not bound by exclusivity.

However the responder to the challenge has issued a challenge as it were. I noticed that awhile back that someone had been reading a lot of this from this area. For those not here the area is about 350,000 people, so finding exactly who isn’t really that easy. The site meter gives me all sorts of information, like one time someone from the white house was reading my blog, back in the very early days every day for like a month.

So the challenge back is the offer of a written relationship open to someone who could in fact be standing in line right behind me at the store, in the car next to me watching me sing (badly) to the radio, or any number of place around the area that I might happen to find myself in the company of strangers but one of them wouldn’t be completely unknown to me.

I did have an experience of seeing someone reading my page on a lap top in public once, which was odd. That I could have walked up to them and said hey btw I wrote that, would they believe me or would I have to prove what I wrote was what I wrote. So I didn’t say a thing.

Am I willing to dance on the razors edge, close to the fire and risk that someone may be a bit more in the know about me than I think.

It isn’t a one way street though so I would know things about someone that could be standing right next to me, it adds a heightened sense of wonder to the whole experiment. Admittedly I figure that any one who responded would be from further away like my post card senders from here there and everywhere but not ever from the same town.

So Ms. Red Shoes, I won’t explain the name and only that person will know why they are Ms. Red Shoes I am willing to stand close to that fire. I look forward to your reply in my PO Box.

Again if anyone else wants to write to me in snail mail form the address is below of if you just want to send a post card from your town, your favorite place in the whole wide world or just a photo of your bedroom ceiling (got one of those once) I’ll reply if I have a return address and if you don’t want anything back you can just send what you want with no return address. The spider will be so happy if you do and I will be too.

In other news

Sometimes the truth isn’t really what people want to hear


Well, that’s all for now, other stuff tomorrow most likely

Happy Birthday if it’s your birthday and a very merry un birthday if it isn’t your birthday

Thank you for reading, please subscribe, you know if you are reading this on blogspot or on diaryland. If you are reading on face book well you are already subscribed. Aren’t you happy.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,






PS 3 Gamer Tag: invisible don

PO Box 4425 Roanoke VA 24015

Bet you can't tell that I don't edit... you can really? I really knew you could because it mortifies me but I'm lazy

Seem that many of us spend so much time pondering things which ultimately do not really do anything to change how anything is going to be in the end. Perhaps it is just me, but given that there are so many of us on the planet and I don’t pretend to be the slightest bit original I’m going to guess that it isn’t just me. We want things that we can’t have and the main reason that we don’t have them is that we don’t really try to have them. Some might say this is having a fear of commitment or an unwillingness to put in the necessary work to achieve a desired goal. Recently lots of people have been asking me if I’m in a relationship, I say no which is only partially true. I’m not in a relationship but it is only partly true because all of us are always considering someone that we would like to be in a relationship with. Perhaps you are considering even more that one someone, that person or people may or may not know how you feel about them. You may not even want to ever tell them because you simply entertain the fantasy to fulfill a desire of your own and that in itself is all you need is the fantasy. Fantasy is healthy part of our well being I believe now acting on certain fantasies and end with tragic results. Like say you decide that certain famous person is the person for you and you try to move into their home or you follow them around everywhere…creepy stalker stuff. That isn’t what I’m talking about but there is that line between healthy and unhealthy. We all have our imagined discussions with real people as a way to deal with a problem or how to bring up a particular subject or problem that is bothering us. The discussions never really happen but you will ride the same emotional roller coaster while playing it out in your head. If you don’t think this happens, take a trip to a library, a Barnes and Noble or where ever you get your fiction and you’ll literally find cubic tons of proof that lots of people talk to themselves and have very “real” relationships with persons who may or may not be real. No writer is willing to risk a lawsuit and is not going to admit that a character is based on a real person but we do draw upon what we know or at least observe in the people around us so characters are based upon images and snippets of people but once they are set they are persons to that writer and have lives which they manipulate with their words. We do the same thing with real people where we have these dances of words which play out to achieve a specific result. How much of that actually occurs before it is ever uttered aloud. If you have an argument with a spouse or significant other, how many times have you had that same argument before have it in reality? Perhaps it is just me but I don’t think I’m all that special. Being a romantic, a side of my personality I wish I could smother to death and then burn the corpse and scatter the ashes to the winds, I have these thoughts all the time. However because of the SOFUCT/UFO/ OMGWWWTDTG/ WTFIHLAM I am not currently in a relationship. That and the invisibility thing it makes things a bit of challenge. However something I would like to try to do and encourage others to try is to have relationship based on the sole purpose to know a person like no other person but to never know that person in the flesh. Exchanges of photos are permitted as well as phone calls but arranging to meet in person shouldn’t ever happen. Can you fall in love with a person you only know from their words? You have to be willing to commit to the project and to write at least once a month to the person 12 letters a year. Discuss everything from religion to politics, write erotica about how that person inspires your innermost desires that in that person you see ...fill in the blank. For example a person I do not know whom I am only connected to via a social media and with whom I have had only very limited contact with at this time. I only know this person by what they have posted in the cyber world. She seem interesting, the likelihood that we ever meet is next to improbable on a scale of odd and equal to the population of the universe according the Hitchhikers Guide. The following is inspired by her information She sits alone many nights wishing that she were a bit less abrasive to those around her because she may actually be able to tell the person she likes that she likes them but she has been hurt before but not tragically. The harsh exterior keeps people at arms length so she can size them up before committing to letting them know things about herself. She has a few embarrassing secrets one being that she likes to watch soft core porn and would be willing to experiment with some bondage not because she is trending gREy but because she hurts on the inside and the external pain may release that mental baggage she knows she has carried for too long but it always seems to linger. She won’t trust any enough to open up that much because allowing herself to be that physically vulnerable isn’t something this is willing to risk because it means allowing that person in closer than they ever have been before. She is bawdy and crude to disarm the men so they see her as one of the “guys” or their buddy girl rather than a sensual girl. She doesn’t commit to the daily rituals of the “pretty girls” so her eyebrows are only plucked to avoid having them seem bushy, she doesn’t grow her nails long or know how the paint them but she would like to and the only make up she wears is to hide the occasional blemish and some mascara to make what she thinks are puny lashes at least seem existent. A tube of Burt’s Bees lip balm is the only thing she regularly applies to her lips but not to give them shimmer but because the smell of bees wax is stimulating. Some nights when she is lying alone a had a drink or two she will close her eyes and writhe under the cotton sheet with a decent thread count while she plays out how she would like to be loved. She lays there arms around a pillow wishing she were the one being held and drifts off to sleep still naked and will wake in the middle of the night both refreshed from her dreams but also hollow that she is alone and does not see that changing in the foreseeable years to come. She is a diamond in the rough not meaning that she just needs to wear better clothing or more make up but that one day she will look into the mirror and see the woman that has inspired a few braver men to endure her verbal onslaughts to try to get to know her for her and perhaps for the chance for something more. Maybe she will read this and decide to write to my PO Box… of even If you aren’t her and would like to play along with my experiment the address is as always below. However in fairness I may want to use the letters if I get enough or any for a book at some point … there is no working title. Oh and if you do decide to write please don’t if you are under 18 because this is out there in the cyber world I don’t always know who reads but I don’t need to be sending letters to anyone underage… the Lolita thing isn’t my bag In other news I scratched my eyeball somehow not exactly sure, and no I do not look like a pirate but I have been called one before should be all better soon. Yay Well, that’s all for now, other stuff tomorrow most likely Happy Birthday if it’s your birthday and a very merry un birthday if it isn’t your birthday Thank you for reading, please subscribe, you know if you are reading this on blogspot or on diaryland. If you are reading on face book well you are already subscribed. Aren’t you happy. Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood. Ciao, PS 3 Gamer Tag: invisible don PO Box 4425 Roanoke VA 24015

The titles are the hardest part to come up with ...really you try it sometime

So many things going on in my mind right now, it is really hard to focus on anything that I really want to say.

Recently the really big land based hurricane or what ever you call a funnel-cloudless freak of nature storm that is not a tornado and is as wide as your state blows through your neighborhood…yeah really big fucking storm is what I was calling it. This left me unharmed but without electrical power for several days, less than some more than some, but by no means was I in great distress for that period of time.

Although, I was not really prepared to cope with the situation but wasn’t helpless.

So that was survived as much as I needed to survive it. I guess there was that one point it was questionable when I was standing outside and watching as a 40 foot tree was literally blown sideways in the wind that I thought you know being outside probably isn’t the best place to be at the moment. I didn’t really want to come inside and didn’t for while either … oddly enough it is sort of instantly addicting to stand amid the raw power that is nature, eventually I did go inside but I kept going back out in the wind … but that isn’t what I wanted to say, I’m not really sure where this is going to end up… hopefully it’s some place fun but it probably won’t be Pleasantville once we get there

The lack of electrical power did however unleash things in my mind which had been pounding a way out for a while now but with no electronic distractions to keep things at bay they escaped.

Was having a conversation with Mr. Peaches …AKA real life super hero guy who said that I am probably the worst person for me to hang out with and that he hasn’t ever heard anyone really talk as badly about other people as talk about myself.

I just need to find a way to channel my own self loathing into something positive that isn’t really a criminal venture or enterprise … but aren’t we all our own worst enemies and by far the most critical of our own mistakes than any one else? Ok maybe it is just me.

I cringe at some things that I’ve done or not done and if it were possible to die from that feeling I would have left the mud ball long ago.

Now I don’t regret anything that I’ve done…well there is that one thing but that was more of a …how would you say it in precise terms… and really I don’t regret that so much as wonder how was that even possible? Maybe someday I’ll write about it but I think several laws might need to be repealed or abolished … I’ll check on the limitations on some stuff before I commit anything or more to the point admit to any involvement in any activity which may or may not have occurred as far as you know.

The point is I don’t regret anything I’ve done… I’ve thought ill of myself for some of it, even questioned my morals … ok I don’t have morals so much as scruples but I’m certainly not immoral or is it amoral …either way I’m not the devil … just a cousin maybe only by marriage… no I’m not referring to my ex there… she isn’t evil … just would rather I died.

She may even prefer that it be painful.

But these are the sort of things that start the demons jumping around, they are like war drums beckoning them out of there darkened places to come out and echo all that things which I find flaw with about myself.

The things is I realize that I’m not very nice to myself in my mind but I like me really and truly I think I’m one of the top 100 people I know I know about 100 people though so there is that … No I’m not going to tell you where I rank… some days it is higher than others but there is no day that I’ve not been on that list.

I think that thing is that while I don’t regret anything that I’ve done in my life, I say I don’t care what people think about me, but I sort of do, not so much but a part of me does. So I keep things away from people, like if they knew about this thing or that thing what would they say? What would they think? How would that change things?

Really that experience is mine and anyone else that happened to be there at the time so ours not anyone else’s to pass judgment, but they do… Hell I do, I’m no better than anyone else.

In my life I’ve shaken the hand of at least three people who I know have killed another person, intentionally not accidentally killed another person, but they meant to do it and that is only the people I know about. What about anyone else that I don’t know that particular detail about them.

Now I was a police officer once upon a time and in the military, does that make you feel any different about my knowing killers? Should it? Whether it should or shouldn’t isn’t really what matters in the end it is what really happens.

What happens is that we look at the actions of other and assume that because of how we think and feel about certain things this person may have done and that somehow makes that person different now because we know about some skeleton in the closet.

The skeleton was always there, the person is exactly the same as they have been, except that you now know something about them that they didn’t tell you about themselves.

Is an omission or I haven’t told you that yet a lie or just I was waiting until I was sure you wouldn’t change your opinion about me until I told you this thing or that thing.

Is it a betrayal because that first words out of the person’s mouth were Oh Hi My name is Jeffery and I’ve killed a few people … well perhaps not the best example because I guess in a certain Jeffery’s case that was a game changer.

Take killing out of the picture and replace it with any number of so called sins and then weight that person’s worth to you after your knowledge has increased.

I suppose there is one thing I do regret but it is more a case of I wish the cycle of events which transpired had taken a deviation to the left by about 4 inches and that would have made all the difference.

I wish I had a different story to tell about an evening in November so long ago and didn’t have the images of that horror burned in to my mind … was there anything I did that if I done differently would have changed things … could I have said something and made it all better… I’ll say it now.,. I would do it now …what ever to make it all different but I can’t change it now, it is done and you live with it or you don’t

If I don’t share those and a thousand other stories with you does that make me different than the day before or change a single experience we have shared?

It shouldn’t but it does …

In other news

Insomnia you are so cruel


Well, that’s all for now, other stuff tomorrow most likely

Happy Birthday if it’s your birthday and a very merry un birthday if it isn’t your birthday

Thank you for reading, please subscribe, you know if you are reading this on blogspot or on diaryland. If you are reading on face book well you are already subscribed. Aren’t you happy.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,






PS 3 Gamer Tag: invisible don

PO Box 4425 Roanoke VA 24015