Recently the really big land based hurricane or what ever you call a funnel-cloudless freak of nature storm that is not a tornado and is as wide as your state blows through your neighborhood…yeah really big fucking storm is what I was calling it. This left me unharmed but without electrical power for several days, less than some more than some, but by no means was I in great distress for that period of time.
Although, I was not really prepared to cope with the situation but wasn’t helpless.
So that was survived as much as I needed to survive it. I guess there was that one point it was questionable when I was standing outside and watching as a 40 foot tree was literally blown sideways in the wind that I thought you know being outside probably isn’t the best place to be at the moment. I didn’t really want to come inside and didn’t for while either … oddly enough it is sort of instantly addicting to stand amid the raw power that is nature, eventually I did go inside but I kept going back out in the wind … but that isn’t what I wanted to say, I’m not really sure where this is going to end up… hopefully it’s some place fun but it probably won’t be Pleasantville once we get there
The lack of electrical power did however unleash things in my mind which had been pounding a way out for a while now but with no electronic distractions to keep things at bay they escaped.
Was having a conversation with Mr. Peaches …AKA real life super hero guy who said that I am probably the worst person for me to hang out with and that he hasn’t ever heard anyone really talk as badly about other people as talk about myself.
I just need to find a way to channel my own self loathing into something positive that isn’t really a criminal venture or enterprise … but aren’t we all our own worst enemies and by far the most critical of our own mistakes than any one else? Ok maybe it is just me.
I cringe at some things that I’ve done or not done and if it were possible to die from that feeling I would have left the mud ball long ago.
Now I don’t regret anything that I’ve done…well there is that one thing but that was more of a …how would you say it in precise terms… and really I don’t regret that so much as wonder how was that even possible? Maybe someday I’ll write about it but I think several laws might need to be repealed or abolished … I’ll check on the limitations on some stuff before I commit anything or more to the point admit to any involvement in any activity which may or may not have occurred as far as you know.
The point is I don’t regret anything I’ve done… I’ve thought ill of myself for some of it, even questioned my morals … ok I don’t have morals so much as scruples but I’m certainly not immoral or is it amoral …either way I’m not the devil … just a cousin maybe only by marriage… no I’m not referring to my ex there… she isn’t evil … just would rather I died.
She may even prefer that it be painful.
But these are the sort of things that start the demons jumping around, they are like war drums beckoning them out of there darkened places to come out and echo all that things which I find flaw with about myself.
The things is I realize that I’m not very nice to myself in my mind but I like me really and truly I think I’m one of the top 100 people I know I know about 100 people though so there is that … No I’m not going to tell you where I rank… some days it is higher than others but there is no day that I’ve not been on that list.
I think that thing is that while I don’t regret anything that I’ve done in my life, I say I don’t care what people think about me, but I sort of do, not so much but a part of me does. So I keep things away from people, like if they knew about this thing or that thing what would they say? What would they think? How would that change things?
Really that experience is mine and anyone else that happened to be there at the time so ours not anyone else’s to pass judgment, but they do… Hell I do, I’m no better than anyone else.
In my life I’ve shaken the hand of at least three people who I know have killed another person, intentionally not accidentally killed another person, but they meant to do it and that is only the people I know about. What about anyone else that I don’t know that particular detail about them.
Now I was a police officer once upon a time and in the military, does that make you feel any different about my knowing killers? Should it? Whether it should or shouldn’t isn’t really what matters in the end it is what really happens.
What happens is that we look at the actions of other and assume that because of how we think and feel about certain things this person may have done and that somehow makes that person different now because we know about some skeleton in the closet.
The skeleton was always there, the person is exactly the same as they have been, except that you now know something about them that they didn’t tell you about themselves.
Is an omission or I haven’t told you that yet a lie or just I was waiting until I was sure you wouldn’t change your opinion about me until I told you this thing or that thing.
Is it a betrayal because that first words out of the person’s mouth were Oh Hi My name is Jeffery and I’ve killed a few people … well perhaps not the best example because I guess in a certain Jeffery’s case that was a game changer.
Take killing out of the picture and replace it with any number of so called sins and then weight that person’s worth to you after your knowledge has increased.
I suppose there is one thing I do regret but it is more a case of I wish the cycle of events which transpired had taken a deviation to the left by about 4 inches and that would have made all the difference.
I wish I had a different story to tell about an evening in November so long ago and didn’t have the images of that horror burned in to my mind … was there anything I did that if I done differently would have changed things … could I have said something and made it all better… I’ll say it now.,. I would do it now …what ever to make it all different but I can’t change it now, it is done and you live with it or you don’t
If I don’t share those and a thousand other stories with you does that make me different than the day before or change a single experience we have shared?
It shouldn’t but it does …
In other news
Insomnia you are so cruel
Well, that’s all for now, other stuff tomorrow most likely
Happy Birthday if it’s your birthday and a very merry un birthday if it isn’t your birthday
Thank you for reading, please subscribe, you know if you are reading this on blogspot or on diaryland. If you are reading on face book well you are already subscribed. Aren’t you happy.
Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.
Ciao,
PS 3 Gamer Tag: invisible don
PO Box 4425 Roanoke VA 24015
No comments:
Post a Comment