of C's and Z's

Trouble with seeing things is that you see them. However you don’t always see them and that’s not much trouble.
Trouble with hearing things is that you hear them but you don’t always hear them and still there isn’t much of a loss.
The real trouble though is saying things that are heard and seen.
Larger still is the trouble from saying things when you aren’t looking or listening.

I try to hear and see more and say less. Not jumping into the fray with those who want to wade into the fight just for the sake of being disagreeable.

Not that I’m opposed to the fight, and I will dig in my heels, stand my ground, and fight the fight when there is a purpose and I try to see the outcome of these. Usually I find that more often than not the better thing to do is to just walk away.

It’s not a matter of throwing up walls but not allowing anything else to be taken away. Still the knives are thrust, shots fired, grenades thrown into my life and more. You get up after every time and stand up. You try like hell not to fall down, never let ‘em see you stumble. That is a big weight to carry and you will falter in those darker days.

Thing is how many dark days do you have to have or is it really just night all of the time and the sunny things are really just high power lights, pressurized sodium and metal halide emitting 50K plus candle power into the void.

The thing is standing in a light that isn’t really there blinds you when the darkness falls around you. The good thing about being in the dark though is no one sees it when you do fall. Then you can sit and wait for your eyes to adjust to the blackness then you don’t stumble as much. Still I’m not sure why that is a bad thing, the stumbling bit. We all fail, hopefully we learn, and move on or have other who will help up get back up show us the path. Mainly though the lights are turned off everyone turns away from those in the dark we look away from the pain.

Looking away doesn’t make it go away though it still there. I heard someone answer, you don’t, when asked when do you get over something like that? You don’t. Whatever light you shine in your world to hide the dark places don’t forget to look there sometimes and visit with Phobos and Deimos. If you don’t visit them, they will visit you.

In other news …

This was not what I wanted to write about today … I’m still trying to find the things to say about things about C’s and Z’s

Then too about, lights under doorways, jasmine and steam

Other stuff tomorrow, have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Hey, I know this makes me look stupid but don't I know you?

Today was a little strange.

My first thing at work took freaking forever which pretty much set up the rest of the day to be slightly less than spectacular. So the first thing I was hoping would go better. I hear one guy say it’s going to take over three hours. (Joy)

Seriously, well that is just swell now the coffee in the car will be cold. Bravo so called grown ups who can’t seem to get it together, Bravo. I’m pretty sure that causing someone’s coffee to get cold because you can’t be a grown up is a sin like a really bad sin.

So I’m waiting and lamenting the ruination of my java.

Then this woman walks in. She looks at me and smiles.

I smile.

Hmmm, I think hey, she looks familiar. I even say, hey she looks familiar to a co worker. She said, Nope not ringing a bell for me. And she as done with the trying to figure it out.

I however am not done with that task and nearly 10 hour later I’m still not done with it, hence the writing about it.

Back then and now, I’m trying to place said person because where I was is not her regular context.

As a memory tool we set people in our memory by context and how we remember them is generally by where we will see them most often. Run into someone out of context and if you don’t see them often you won’t recognize them straight away.

The woman walks by but sits near by to where I’m sitting but not close enough for unnoticed conversation by the 50 or so others around.

Yes normal people would walk over and say, Hey you look familiar don’t I know you.

Not me… for several reasons, yes without numbering it one of them would be I’m not exactly what people would immediately say normal I’m not someone that people would normally say abnormal either. So here are some of the reasons why I didn’t go over and talk to said woman.

One is work … if she is in category one she is most likely as trashy white girl and that isn’t good.

Two is social … I don’t think I dated her but I’m not willing to rule that out because of the whole drink don’t think months. So saying hey you look familiar could be an insult.

Three is fear … if she knows me, she may not like me, I don’t exactly make fast friends in the work that I do. In fact it’s the opposite people tend not to say very nice things about me if they know me from my work and are not co-workers.

Four is professionalism … there are some of my co-workers sitting around I don’t want them to think I’m trying to get a date by talking to this person.

She had on a floral print skirt, sandals, nice light reddish pull over with a small v-neck, no visible tattoos, short, clean, dyed blonde hair (maybe ¼ to ½ inch roots maybe that‘s why I know it‘s dyed but regularly), and a hippie type bag/purse which does not appear to be jammed full of everything this person owns. She was able to get things she needed from it very quickly too. Of course I was watching her I was trying to figure out how I know this person..

Hmmm…. I can’t place her at all and it’s driving me bonkers. Well I’m trying to put her in the appropriate context. I can’t put her into a place that makes her fit

So I try word association

Hey what the F*ck do you want! - nope

Do you want fries with that? - nope

May I help you? - nope

Did you find everything ok - nope

Where are you going? - nope nope

Not helping.

Finally I decide you know she is probably someone who is somehow tied to your work and it’s better to just let it go. That’s why you are actually seeing her in the place you see the people you work with.

So mystery unsolved.

The rest of the day went along. I’m pretty sure a lot of this city has gone barking mad, that or due to the poor shape of the economy in the surrounding areas, the barking mad are coming to the biggest place in the region. YAY (dripping with sarcasm) So that means my job get to be extra fun because the so called grown-ups act like 2nd graders.

Now I’m at home hanging with Stunt boy and need to send some text messages back because I was too busy to reply to them earlier.


Other stuff tomorrow, have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Start of the weekend

Went to work … grrrrrrrrrr and hate … not the job or aspects of the job but one person makes me physically ill to be around … I can not stand this person at all. I want to put a knife in my neck rather than see this person, talk to this person or associate in the slightest bit with this person. Argh and scream and stuff.

Enough of the work stuff

After work Stunt boy and I went to play mini golf and had a great time. He is getting a lot better at this. I got a hole in one on the last hole but we decided not to keep score to just have a good time. He is going to the beach with CPG’s family this week. He aunt is in from parts west of here and brought her two munchkins with her but not the husband. So I hope he has a good time and enjoys the sand and surf

My Saturday isn’t going to exciting at all.. In to work I go moments after posting this. Yay and joy even.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Still as clear as mud

I’ve noticed that when ever you write or comment to a friend that you are or have been soul searching or have been reflective about things that immediately the reaction is self pity isn’t helpful or why are you wasting your time dwelling on things.

Why can’t you look back without it being a bad thing … even nostalgia has gotten a bad rap as living in the past or clinging to things or conditions that don’t exist any longer.

In my life I have made a lot of choices and a lot of mistakes, I’ve learned from most of them and some I’m still learning. The thing is I know I’m not perfect and I don’t blame anyone for my choices those are mine.

Other people make choices as well and those choices do affect others. I can emote how I feel about the choices of others and be me without it being a negative. How I feel may not be how you want me to feel, but it is my feeling about a situation or condition.

If you eat a shrimp and you break out in hives is it anyone’s fault? Nope. If you know you have this reaction to eating shrimp and you eat them again, where does the fault lie now? What about a third or forth or fifth time? Definitely not the shrimp.

Life and relationships are like that as well. If someone is cruel to you every time you are with them speak to them or are around them, continuing to participate in that relationship is not healthy and it is not wise.

I think most people would agree that if someone is critical of everything you do and fails to recognize any positive in your life you aren’t going to hang around that person much at all. Is this holding a grudge? Or is this really a healthy response to a negative situation.

It is the proverbial line in the sand. Cross this and you have gone too far. That does not make me or anyone else a prude or unpleasant or difficult. Standing up for you own self isn’t always bad. I can’t make a blanket statement that says all things are beneficial because I’m sure there are situations or condition where it is negative.

You can decide that just because you no longer want to suffer by continuing a relation and not hate that person.

I am wrestling with my own issues here and trying to see both sides of the same coin. One where I am one side with people and then another where I am on the other side with a different person.

The perspective is eye opening but I know in the first there is no doubt in anyone’s mind why the situation is the way it is. The other however is not and I am convinced that other people are interfering where they have no business interfering they really have no legitimate reason to say one thing, but they do and continue to interfere and meddle. I’m left to believe that this is petty, selfish and another in a long line of things to make life difficult for me in any way possible. Enjoy your pettiness.

While none of this makes any sense at all in a real sense to anyone reading it has been a good release for me. If you continue to read things may become very much clearer and you may decide that you don’t really like me. It is your choice as always and if your choice is to not like me and read by all means come enjoy the rants, misspellings, grammatical errors, thoughts, reviews ponderings. You can even leave messages positive or negative. I promise that whether you hate me, like me, love me or just amused or baffled by me, I am me. I’m just trying to make sense of the time I have and the things I do and that are done with, to and around me.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

lost and found

I should start a lost and found for my voice or at least a metaphorical all points bulletin for it. I find it I loose it, repeat … just like the shampoo bottle. That could be a never ending process for someone who took things extremely literal. I digress…often.

The point is that I loose my voice … well more to the point I let the outside voice stifle my voice. I pre edit and censor myself from what other people may think about what I have to say. There is a large part of me that says to hell and be damned those who see things differently than I do when I know I’m right or even right by how I choose to live my life. Albeit by a sometimes lax set of moral principles they are my own. So no more I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again most likely.

So I will do what I can to write what I think and forget the pressures and voices of peers when I write. If you misunderstand something ask me what I mean. If something offends you, ask I probably did not mean it to offend or if I did I will be blunt about it and you’ll know when I mean to offend you because I will say to your face what I think about you. Unless of course you have anything at all to do with my paycheck, then I’ll keep that to myself as decorum dictates. It still doesn’t mean that I don’t think what I think but those are my thinks to think and not to taint anyone opinion about said person or persons with my own opinion. Because when it comes to money in this economy it’s all C.Y.A and truth be damned. Makes me wish for a world order as Rodenberry stated where the accumulation of wealth is not the function of mankind but the betterment of humanity. Truth in a world order like that makes sense even when it is unpleasant but not in our own cash above all other gods if you please truth is down on the lower rungs of that ladder.

So I’ll end my random mishmash of thoughts with this I’ll be writing and you may not like it or you may but I will be writing. I do hope you’ll be reading. Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Lost and Found

Lost and found

There are a lot of things I have going on in my head all of the time.
It’s one of my problems I don’t stop thinking ever. I don’t know how people do it just not think of anything and empty their mind. It’s even a problem for me when I attempt to meditate.

Now I don’t do this in a traditional means so you may not realize I’m in the middle of some meditation if you see me. Maybe that’s why I have some trouble in this area. I am able to see things more clearly after my version of meditation and often find the answers or at least a path to go on, which is the point really, right? I think it is who knows I may be wrong which seems to be the case with most things anyway.

So I’m lost but I’m not. At least not at the moment, if any of that makes any sense.

I think I’ve just lost momentum and perhaps I’m in a ritualistic phase where you get bogged down in the process of how rather than moving toward the goal. Which isn’t entirely accurate either, I’m more in first gear of the movement thing and my ritual phase is already coasting in a high gear and is more or less working the way it should be. The motion part is still trying to catch up which it will I just have to give it time.

In other news I have nearly removed my self from the bigger issue and I still don’t see where this is a good idea it’s still on the scale of a googolplex of stupidity. There is a lot of betrayal in there and that is where removing the self from the issue becomes tricky.

Well I see the train is still mustering steam and the steel wheels are spinning on the rails trying to catch even the slightest friction to start moving. Never watch the movie office space when you are in a funk about your job. Yes I know it is a great movie and it has Jennifer Aniston (insert heavenly awe music), and it just is a classic in many ways. However not the thing to watch when you hate your job, it sucks your will to live and makes it harder to not drag malfunctioning equipment to a field and have it beaten to death with ball bats. The train is still there; I’m getting on and seeing if we, Casey Jones and I, can’t get this sucker rolling on down the tracks.

Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,

Engaged

So after some time of kicking around the back to blogging thing I've gotten to the point were I have to say I'm going to blog. I like to write it makes me happy. I got into writing a journal when I was 16 and I have kept one in one form or another since then. I've lost some, I've burned some, some are just mental notes or thoughts on scraps of paper here and there. I like it, it allows me to say what I feel in the now and it may not be what anyone else thinks or feels but it's me doing me. I can't help or change if anyone who reads this walks away with something different from what I got from the process but if it helps them great, if it doesn't, all I can say is it's more for me but in an unselfish way. If that makes sense.


As to the title no I'm not engaged to anyone ... as the guide says on the cover DON'T PANIC! It's a command as well or a verb to signify the start of something. I start stop start stop etc.... all the time doing various things. So I guess it is the start or restart of the blogging but it's more than that too.

We get caught up in boxes of things or places and get lost in the process of, rather than getting lost in the moment of things. As I was doing a doodle today of stick figures in peril I started putting them into boxes, each box had a specific snippet of life inside. Only one second in the life of the stick person. The entertained, the sad moment, the happy one, the death scene, etc.

We some times get caught in that box where the embarrassing thing has happened, the depressing thing or other event. We can't destroy the boxes but we can escape them so I started putting stick figures in the process of leaving their boxes. One on a zip line, another with a chainsaw, my creative little escapes from the things that are anchoring me here inside my boxes.

I read somewhere that the only prison that can ever hold a person is the one where you control their mind. So many times I do find myself imprisoned by the controls society defines or in the boxes if you will, some of them are built by me. Others that we are bombarded by from every direction and we all start doing the Stepford walk and talk. "It's a rattrap Judy and We've been caught" ** I'm caught too probably more often than some but being aware of the trap is part of the solution the other part is doing.

So to steal a line from the movie platoon, I'm not sure if it was in the book as well, "free the mind and the ass will follow". Know you are not trapped and you won't be. You may not always be able to do the things you want when you want but you can do them. And in the between times let your mind wander a bit, day dream for a few minutes. Look off into space and go somewhere.

You are where your mind is and you can still be anchored to reality and start cutting escape holes and digging tunnels out of the boxes then the next thing you know it's not so bad. Try to get back to the place where playing with the box was as much or more fun than the toy that came inside. I know not a very capitalistic thing to say but that's the point redefine success and happiness in your own terms rather than someone else's. You'll find you are better off for it and if someone says I don't know why you do that, say because it makes me happy. If they don't get it they aren't going to and if they try to change you or say it's dumb they haven't found a way to be happy that goes out side the boxes or they just can't see your path from their box.

Anyway, that's my chainsaw through the wall of the box it may make sense to you or not. It makes sense to me.




** Lyric from the song "Rattrap" by The Boomtown Rats