Not your everyday thing, It may be rated PG-13 or R, I don't know... I just write the stuff

This mornings episode is rated R maybe PG13 who knows what the criteria is well I do sort of as I’ve seen the movie, “this film is not yet rated” - so there is some adult content and suggestive material… no, no, I’m not going to swear… or at least I don’t plan on it but I’m going to talk about the ooo…ooo… ahh …ahh stuff. (suggestive material) I can say the F word once and remain PG 13 say it twice, not once but twice you are rated R. I know it’s crazy … kill thousands of people PG -13 as long as you don’t actually show them oozing blood. Anywho… I’m sure by the end I’ll have a better idea of my rating. Well I could go all out and get an NC17 that would be fun but you would only be able to read this at the one site and not all three. So, yeah I see why film makers don’t want that NC 17 rating. Limited distribution less exposure …well of the material not in the material… ok you get it not a bad thing all the way around but still not good.

I’ve been having some very bizarre dreams lately

Yeah, yeah… I know you’re thinking invisible don having bizarre dreams why is that unusual he’s a nut job but in a good way… yeah in a good way not in a knife wielding, serial killer way but in the hey he makes me laugh some times.

No worries, I don’t kill people in my dreams, well mostly I don’t… oh like you haven’t. Don’t judge my dream slayings, I won’t judge your dream slayings. However last night I was having the ooo… ooo… ahh… ahh… dream … with the perfect person. No she isn’t anyone I know, She is a reoccurring person in my dreams who isn’t anyone I’ve ever met yet … I think I got close once.

No that’s not the unusual bit… well I suppose it is because I’m usually having bad dreams so it could be the unusual bit.

What do you look at during the ooo… ooo… ahh…ahh stuff. Because you know when you try to look cool it comes across like you want to ask a question or you are tying not to say something like…

Oh that’s not the way to do that, that actually hurts the way you’re doing it and not in a good way.

Ah, hair, you’re on my hair. (yes I’ve actually had to say that, it’s not just the ladies.) Hey it’s very distracting when it happens and you have to say something … it is and you do … grow your hair long and find out, if you don’t believe me. Keep your mitts off the hair. And don’t pull mine that’s bad … I know some people like that sort of thing, I’m not one of them … I’m not a pet don’t paw at my hair.

The eyes getting wide is a sure thing that you’ve hurt your partner in a new way …. Now the follow up look or action is important a smile or suggestive kiss or bite means it’s ok do it again but don’t kill me… you’ll be rewarded if this goes where I hope it goes... yay!

If the eyes stay wide for more than a few seconds will no follow up action or look … say you’re sorry and move on to something else. JUST SAY IT. Nothing means anything in the throws of the ooo…ooo…ahh…ahh. You can always deny it later or say you can’t remember because you were so into the bigger experience that was your “love making” It works but only if used infrequently.

What does this have to do with dreams… well I got all self aware in my dream, not just self aware but to the point of distraction self aware … I know how bizarre I’m having a panic attack in my dream about where to look during the horizontal mambo. …Yeah I know I was there well at least in my head I was there.

So there it was the whole thing you never want to look directly into the eyes of the other person … because you look like you’re tying to take the lid off a jar of pickles that’s on too tightly and that you might actually crap your pants if you try any harder. Yeah you do look like that, that’s why women give them to us to open so they don’t have that look, it’s not appealing.

Oh I know you, me, everyone, you think you have on your sexy face… nope that look is gone. Your hair is messy, your upper teeth are biting your lower lip, sweat has covered your face and ruined your make up if you have any on, your panting like a distance runner, you are unable to think in more than one syllable words at this point. Why do you think you have on your sexy face? There is a reason that they don’t shoot porn with a lot of angles which include facial expressions. No, just no. and you know who I’m talking too just don’t. I mean it. Moving on. (insert stern look and point) NO.

Close your eyes, remember your basic biology and grope in the dark … it seems like foreplay or caressing and who knows you may find you like it or your partner does.

Don’t close your eyes but pick a spot that isn’t the eyes or the near the face and look there. Because if you are just not looking to just not be looking at the persons face you’ll look like your looking at anything but the persons face and you’ll be in trouble. The kind of trouble that ends the ooo…ooo…ahh…ahh with your top sheet wrapped around the person stomping toward your bedroom door pile of clothes in hand and four doors slamming. The bedroom door, the bathroom door, the door to your house and the door to their car as it drives away.

To avoid all of that unpleasantness, pick a favorite body part … you’ll smile (good thing) you’ll look interested (good thing), you will actually be interested (better thing) and you won’t look like you are about to fall over from over exertion from opening a jar of pickles (mostly good thing you want to look a little like that) but don’t get so distracted that you look like you are cargo or you’re a bobble head doll.(bad thing …doors slamming again) I know I always smile when I see …ok not the point …but …yeah wow … ok onward.

The other obvious solution to the look is to change position… nope not going to go there, this isn’t about sex, it’s about panic attacks in my dreams so we aren’t going into the different styles… use your imagination I’m sure you know a few. The point of all the previous stuff is that I know what to do to avoid being all self aware in the moment as the male enhancement ads call it. The moment. I know what to do and what not to do… mostly. The point is that I’m not without experience I’ve uttered the phrase ahh, hair, you’re on my hair, I’ve … well I know what I’ve done and so do a few others. No (again with the finger pointing and stern look) Just leave it alone. Seriously.

So in my dream I’m having this full on panic attack all mid ooo…ooo…ahh …ahh swinging from the trees action and stuff …. I don’t know where to look, how to look, or even what to say, I completely forgot about my favorite spot Oreos and milk …. You’ll get it… One second I’m there all ooo…ooo…ahh…ahh. Then I’m all screaming and wanting to run from the room like I‘m going to be eaten. Not the stomping from the room in a huff with a wad of clothing and slamming doors. Just an into the night screaming, arms waving over your head, find a safe spot, curl up into the fetal position and rocking yourself muttering make it stop, make it stop over and over… That kind of running from the room.

Oh I know it probably means something like fear of intimacy or inadequacy or something else like that. Hello, I live my life I know my fears I am all of those things. I don’t need to live them in my dreams I avoid them very well on my own thank you very much. I much prefer the nightmares to this kind of stuff at least I know how they end. I have good reason to be fearful of intimacy. I could go on but the thing is I woke up and there I am left with this spinning image in my head … my dreams have not been this crack induced crazy since I was on the patch. Week 49 I think starts today by the way.

Anyone else ever had a panic attack in their dreams?

So I’m thinking more PG 13 than R but some stuff was rather suggestive or at least lead you to think that direction without actually saying things. I could do the seven words and that would be PG13 for sure, but it has the C word and that isn’t much fun. But those are for TV not blogs … hmm. You decide PG 13, R, NC 17 … rate below. I have a good news one for later or tomorrow.


Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.

Ciao,