It houses circus freaks, temptations and bad trips.

Recently a milestone came and went for me and I didn’t realize it until yesterday but I had already made up my mind about what to write for the day. The thing is that this was a big part of my life and is no longer. No, not my ex wife, unfortunately that saga has not ended. 6 years ago, and it is odd in that it doesn’t seem that long ago but it also seems to be longer too. The big part of my life was cigarettes. They were my buddy, they were my friend. When I needed to think they were there, when I needed to mourn they were there, when I needed what ever they were there. Cigarettes were my, I’m mad as hell buddy. Pulling smoke and burning a cherry, red hot and half an inch long. Cigarettes were my, I’m bored I’ve got nothing to do time filler. They were my OCD, ashes in one ash tray butts in another. Keep me awake on the drive, celebrate this thing or that. Post coital bliss enhancer, lying in the bed blowing smoke up to the ceiling with that other person. Thousands of memories are tied to my paper wrapped tobacco pals. Cigarettes were my wing man, ice breaker, confidence and false bravado all in one. I smoked a lot of brands in my career as a smoker. Stealing my dad’s Winston’s or my grandmother’s Virginia Slims at 12 years old. They were both carton buyers so they didn’t miss the odd pack here or there and were both heavy smokers so they would just assume they smoked more than they thought they had. Yes I smoked Virginia Slims. Hey when you are getting them at the five finger discount store you don’t quibble about what is in stock. Eventually, I started buying my own and changed brands to Marlboro Reds because that was not anyone in my families brand. I’m sure my parents knew I smoked before I admitted it to them. If they didn’t they were outsmarted by the sister of a girlfriend I had who figured it out and would smoke with me. Not sure what ever happened to her, the sister, not the girlfriend. The girlfriend dumped me, which was, even then, a reoccurring theme in my life. Not today’s story. Cigarettes got me through every break up until the last one or next to last one. I’m pretty sure it was the last one because the one after that wasn’t so much a break up as it was oh we don’t do that anymore sort of a thing. And everything after that hasn’t really gotten much past the dating thing so those just sort of end and aren’t really break ups. Somewhere along the line though, those little cigarettes became more than just a fixer of problems but a real problem in my life. They controlled things like how I spent my money. I would buy cigarettes before food. I wouldn’t eat if it meant not buying cigarettes for the day. I had to have at least two packs in the house at all times. Toward the end I was smoking over a pack a day and probably close to a pack and half most days. They were the first thing I did in the morning lighting up on my way to piss and the last thing I did before going to sleep. Quitting smoking was something I had done a lot too. I chewed the gum which tastes like ass by the way or orange flavored ass if you buy the orange gum. The patch was fun, I always enjoyed the nicotine fueled nightly cinema that were my dreams on those smelly, sticky, itchy squares induced once you dropped in the REM sleep. I would quit for a few weeks, a few months but never more than 6 months at a time. Then old smoky would roll back into town and I’d be back on them and back to my levels of smoke stack, steam locomotive or other analogy for a heavy smoker within a day or two. However this last time I took the Chantix pills which did work for me. The success rate is only around 50 percent and in my own completely unscientific and totally casual observations seem to have a better success in helping men quit than they do with women. The warnings for these gems are interesting as in they may cause vivid dreams. I thought well they can’t be worse than the patch. If the patch is like watching a movie, Chantix is like IMAX in HD and 3D but not nightmarish but I have particularly strange dreams without the aide of chemicals so what I think is normal for REM theatre might leave others with a case of insomnia muttering can’t sleep they will kill me and rocking in a corner. Another side effect is the thoughts of suicide. Now this is interesting too because they’ve changed the wording on that a few times. From just plain may increase thoughts of suicide, to thoughts of suicide which are not normal for you, to something like may cause thoughts of suicide. Wow, really can’t escape the theme of the week. Anyway, I didn’t get any new ideas so I think I was in the second set of wording as in the thoughts I had were normal for me. No worry warts I don’t want to off myself and I don’t have a plan. Now there is perhaps one person without a y chromosome who would like to see me take a dirt nap but I’ve not had any threatening notes as of late. I think she still prays for buses to run me down or lightning to strike, or some other something that gives her an alibi and a reason to dance on my grave. Hey we all have wish lists. Mine are for more practical things like a gaming computer or graphics programs/computer but everyone has their favorite things. So the pills helped me quit interesting dreams aside, the only side effect I had was lava hot heartburn for 6 solid days. It never went away and felt like the earth’s core was in my stomach. Then that went away and I went from smoking a pack and more a day to one pack for the week you can smoke on the pills to no cigarettes. 6 years down, and now year 7 is already a few days started. Now I have to get on a program to unfat myself. I’ve gotten the UFO disorder these days which is Ugly, Fat, and Old. I don’t know that I can do much about the ugly and old at least not on my salary but I can do something about the fat guy stuff. I will not be Santa for your Christmas program so don’t ask. Now I have a project to work on and maybe for next year’s celebration of I’m a non smoker I will only have UO disorder which is better than UFO disorder. If you are trying to quit, keep trying you can do it. If you want to quit, do it you will love yourself because you did. No the cravings never go away but they don’t last long when they do surface. I still have them from time to time and even dream about smoking monthly but that doesn’t even come close to the oddity which is my REM sleep. If you haven’t quit I’m not going to say you should quit because I hated it when people told me I should quit when I was a smoker. However I’m willing to bet you sometimes wish you would quit or could quit them and if you do have those thoughts try to quit you may not quit on the first try or even the tenth or twentieth . There will be a time that works and then you’ll be done with them. Well, that’s all for now, other stuff to follow most likely Happy Birthday if it’s your birthday and a very merry un birthday if it isn’t your birthday Thank you for reading, please subscribe, Today’s title: Lyrics from Cigarette by The Clarks. Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood. Ciao, PS 3 Gamer Tag: invisible don PO Box 4425 Roanoke VA 24015