Being that I’ve heard the statement, ‘you’re not right’, more times than I’ve said it I have a suspicion, an inkling even that I may be the one who has colored out side the lines a little bit or used the neon colored crayons to color in a nature scene.
Anyway this is probably too much build up and then it will not seem all that off to anyone by the time you reach the end of this.
By now I’m sure you’ve read Female dogs and Garden tools as the title and you are thinking WTF or scratching your head as you must often think or do when you read the titles. I must assert here that I have the utmost respect for women but the title means bitches and ho’s.
What you respect women? Anyone who says bitches and ho’s certainly doesn’t respect women at all. I do, now I’ll admit there are a few of the women folk who I don’t like very much at all, who shall remain nameless here because they actually have names and I don’t want you to hold any ill will toward them because I don’t care for them that’s a matter of choice on your part.
However, I do enjoy people watching and making over generalizations about the things. Why? Well frankly because they are humorous or they at least make me smile and laugh and if one other person does as well, to quote Carlos Estevez, I’m winning!
Something I have noticed is that we boys and girls enter into all sorts of relationships with one another and inevitably most of them end at some point. Now in the true spirit of over generalization they just don’t end, they end badly, with hurt feelings and unkind words like bitches and ho’s… you need to say it really fast and smunch it together when you say it too. That gives it the full effect. Faster. Faster than fast. You’ll get there.
Moving on, like you should do at the end of a relationship, well that’s what you are supposed to do but many of us cling to that dead relationship like an overzealous paramedic. We can bring it back…you can’t stop the CPR and move on.
Now you are probably thinking I’m going to jump into the dissection of some failed relationship of my own. Nope, not even.
We, the friends of those people in the relationships, the innocent or not so innocent bystanders, to the train wrecks which are not our own failed relationships. We also get to experience some of the same awkwardness of the demise of these relationships too. Especially if you still spend time with one or both of the people.
As the title suggests I’ve noticed some things that women do in all of this.
One, why is it that every guy you’ve ever broken up with all of a sudden develops homosexual tendencies?
Seriously, we all don’t go through a gay phase every time we end a relationship. If that were true gay men would trying to get women to dump their guys all the time…Wait a minute… do you gay guys believe this stuff too? (Shakes head)
I’ll say this once and clearly in plain words which are easily understood. We don’t go through a gay phase.
Now if you are currently in a relationship and you start to notice this behavior from your wife, girlfriend, FwB in the form of questioning your desire to lay with someone of the same gender. You should look for the guy with the sammich board sign saying the end is nigh because it is and you won’t be in this relationship for a lot longer. Now you may think that being all manlier will save you from the end. It won’t it will just make it worse. They will just say he’s covering.
I’m confused here because didn’t you used to do the horizontal mambo with this guy? Isn’t that testament enough that the going gay thing isn’t at all true, hell Kelsey’s ex is doing it on Stern too. However if every guy you’ve dated suddenly goes gay after dating you, doesn’t that say more about your ability to pick a straight guy than the guys going gay? Just a thought.
Two. If…when … you eventually run into guy you friend has dated and if you are still friends with the girl. This is like EOD duty, Explosive Ordinance Disposal (bomb squad). Have you seen the film, The Hurt Locker?
Welcome to your own personal car bomb scenario. This is likely to get flagged by the NSA now. Anyway Hi guys/gals, oh and thanks you do a great job. I mean it you’re awesome. Stay around and read for a bit.
Back to the program and moving on. You will at some point run into a guy your friend or friends have dated at some point.
Now you have to remember did they break up well or were there really bad feelings afterward. Now key in this too is to ask what did your friend really do at the end of the relationship and be honest. Don’t paint the I like my friend and all men are pigs picture. The picture of you need is the one you have when you are talking bad about this friend with your other girlfriends. There you go, now you are prepared because this is sort of how the person you are about to talk to sees your friend too.
Now if your friend was running around like a …well...there is no gentle way to put this… a ho then it’s best to keep this conversation ASAP…As Short As Possible and get the hell out clear an area because this is not something you can disarm anything and you’ll just be collateral damage in this one.
However if you can’t escape, remember this person knows all the bad stuff about your friend as well as the good stuff. Your job now is to avoid the body bag for you and as many others as possible.
So he will say, something seemingly innocuous and may not be all that bad or necessarily untrue. Now if you agree and say something that you know is true about your friend that isn’t really flattering or nice but true, well you’ve just armed and mailed a bomb to your friend and one to yourself.
Because now he is going to tell your friend that information and that you agreed with him. BOOM.
Then your friend is going to come to you and hand deliver your letter to you. BOOM.
However for argument sake when your friend was running around cheating on said guy and you knew this, because we all now you knew, why not stop it then. Don’t tell the guy because we won’t believe you and we are stupid and will just tell your friend, the guy’s girlfriend, that you said she is a ho. BOOM.
Now I could say just stop your friends from being ho’s to begin with. There is always at least one accomplice on some level to every one of your girlfriends who have cheated on their men. Before you start sending the hate mail, remember I like to over generalize because it makes for funnier stories.
On the other side, I’ll admit that there are a lot of tool bag guys out there who don’t deserve the women they are with but isn’t better to just get then out of that relationship then you don’t have a Hurt Locker moment in the middle of the Piggly Wiggly
You’re best arsenal here is to defuse the bomb with nice things you know that the guy will agree with about your friend. So if your friend and the guy have children together this is a great thing to talk about with him and then you’ll avoid the explosion. Mostly, however it’s better to steer clear of any topic connected to your friend altogether.
Then there is the truth finding guy. Mainly these guys are just looking for closure and a way to move on, but we as men are not really equipped to do this and if we try to do this with our guy friend they start thinking we are growing a bit too fond of musical theatre and the color pink too. Hey I never said we weren’t dipshits and morons.
However, why is it when these questions get asked when the truth is out there and you know it, why not just tell the truth? Like for example, this guy will ask, is she dating someone? He knows the answer or at least he thinks he does, so he is just looking for conformation and not a means of getting ammo to use against them. Well mainly there are those toolbags out there. Now I’m not saying clearing the air about all your friends dirty laundry but hell what’s the harm in a little truth? Yeah, it really is better to lie. No what the hell am I saying. Just get the truth out there and if your friend brings the guilt trip to your door just tell her to deal with it.
Then you all will always say, I don’t know. When you know for sure and details too. Sometimes many more details than you want. Because lets face it some of you over share about some stuff. Guys it’s never a good thing when they over share either because it goes both ways, they over share about the good stuff and the bad stuff. Yeah they know about that time you … well you know that time. The guy dating that girl probably knows about it too. But do we go running off and telling everyone what we know. Nope we keep it to ourselves because we are better people …I can’t say it with a straight face… we just aren’t smart enough to figure out how to use it to our advantage. Well most of the time.
Me however, I like keeping the information to myself. It makes the people watching that much more interesting. Again, unless it’s about me and then an appropriate amount of bourbon later anyone can find out stuff about me.
In other news.
Seriously what do you do after you leap? I’ve been advised to sit on my hands and pull from my military background and practice the age old technique of hurry up and wait.
I’ve had lots of practice with this so, this is me waiting.
You know there isn’t anything much worse than just waiting. I’d have to compare it to hey this pie will launch into your face at any time. You have to keep your face right there in front of it. If you move at all you lose.
Shower thought of the day… We can make the economy better.
Litter box thought of the day… wow not a lot of production
That’s all for now, other stuff tomorrow
Happy Birthday if it’s your birthday and a very merry un birthday if it isn’t your birthday
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Have a great day and play nice in the neighborhood.
Ciao,
Gamer Tag: invisible don
PO Box 4425 Roanoke VA 24015
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