VENI, VEDI, VECI

Oh my god (or if you prefer God)
This is probably the worst thing in the world.
Oh no wait
What the hell am I talking about
I haven't got a clue
I really need to stop smoking you know it is most likely the most disgusting thing that I do. I have quit several times.
But as you can see (well not actually) it didn't take.
I have a new plan to try and quit smoking which is to trick my brain into thinking that I still smoke but I just don't actually smoke anymore -- kinda like the patch and the gum do for your brain.
The gum tastes like crap -- even the orange stuff
The patch itches like a ???? hmmmm what itches a lot?
well it just itches.......... a lot
I even did the Larry Hagman behavior modification thing --it's a self inflicted pain thing -- you put a rubber band on your wrist and flick your self when you want a cigarette.
the grapefruit and creme of tartar
hypnotic suggestion -- I fell asleep and I don't think I do any odd things -- maybe that's why I get asked to all those parties
I wrote two papers in college about being a smoker -- the teachers actually read them and I passed the classes -- I think they must have smoked too.
You know it's not like you wake up one day and say you know it's a good day to start smoking
well wait --that's just about the way it happens
My dad used to have me run to the store to get his when I was 8 and then pretty much everyday after that until I left at 14
I walk in the store and up to the counter which at the time I can barely see over "hey mack how about a pack of Winston's"
"You got money"
"yup"
"OK"
Well no one else who sees this knows I'm buying for my old man, they just think its me buying for myself at 8
They would walk up and say you know you're a little young to be doing that.
Gee do you think -- yet I know this now -- but do I quit
NO
because why
Hell I don't know -- part of my brain likes the idea that I smoke
the whole social icon of being a rebel -- even with all the anti smoking ads -- they have done little to kill that image
Of course the one with the monkey packing the smokes is one that makes me feel foolish every time I do that
So I guess I'm just weak, without will power, no backbone, just a pathetic lump of gum on the sneakers of god (or the other way -- see above)
No that's not it but it is the one thing that I truly hate about myself
So just quit you say --
Well because the nice normally pleasant guy you see before you now (again not really see -- it's the invisible thing) becomes the biggest jerk in the world and that minor problem I have about keeping my tongue in line becomes a full time job.
Seriously -- I am a raving lunatic without the monkey
a friend of mine who is a therapist said "it's just a way for you to deal with stress so do deep breathing exercises instead of smoking" OK so I try that
It didn't work
Well it might have if she didn't start smoking again the next week and asked me to hang out with her more -- I guess it's more than a stress management thing.
Well I am gearing myself up to attempt to quit again. I'm not telling anyone -- well all of you -- and you all count -- but you're not going to be there that first day saying
hows it going? wanna cig yet huh
is it driving you nuts yet
OH Not until you brought it up %&*#@()_@(!&(#^$(&@
So anyway (deep breath) AH
I'm going to have a smoke VENI VEDI VECI