A while back there was a thing I saw about the latest trend in relationships is emotional affairs. Now perhaps I should save this for a WTF issue but I won’t. Seriously though what is this about really?
The reality is that if you are concerned about an emotional affair you are really more concerned about control than you are being in a relationship. Control is one of the things that we all want or at least the illusion of control. Because really what do we really control?
We control very little when you think about it, we do not control anything in our lives including our one life.
However we try to control things in our lives and think about the times when you are the most frustrated is when no matter what you do you can not change they are beyond your control.
In a relationship you trust that your partner is open and honest with you but you don’t know if they are really being open and honest with you. You know what they want you to know … control. You tell them what you want them to know…control.
We just have to trust that it’s enough, but what if you don’t and you begin to suspect that your partner is having an affair? Ok that is pretty bad and it can have varying degrees of bad. I can be with a friend, a coworker, a total stranger, well to you, you know because they aren’t really strangers to your partner. Yeah ouch
Now you may be thinking hey invisible dude why are you talking about relationships you aren’t even in one what the hell do you know. Well I’ll be the first to admit that there is obviously something lacking in my ability to remain in a relationship. But I have been in several relationships and can recognize that trust, control and communication are key to keeping things going and with that not trying to create problems when there aren’t any problems or at least no problems worth mentioning.
Emotional affairs though, really? I can understand it may be bothersome that your partner has an emotional tie with someone else that they don’t have with you. But don’t have kids if you don’t want to see that in action everyday in your house. Your kids will bond with each parent differently. And it is likely that that emotional relationship will be stronger than the one your partner has with you. Sorry.
Sure you can understand the kid thing, what about co workers, though. Maybe a bit tougher to handle, however that depends on the work. Like my job for instance, if you don’t do it you really can’t understand it completely no matter how much the person talks about it. So there will be a bond based on shared experience that doesn’t exist with anyone on the outside of that arena. Perhaps you can handle the co-workers, maybe.
What about friends? Is your partner going to have to abandon having friends, ever in the relationship with you? Lets hope not because they can be a buffer in potential issues within the relationship. Sure they get to hear some of your problems and quirks but we are social so we talk though our problems. And if you always try to solve your problems from a singular mind set you are not going to solve all your problems. Hell you probably won’t solve a lot of your problems.
So if your parent connects with someone else in friendship, work, hell even platonic love and they never stray physically from you where is the problem. We are social, one person isn’t going to be enough to satisfy our emotional needs. There doesn’t have to be a lot of people but just a few that help us through things.
Some people related better to the opposite gender and can share things easier than they can with members of their own gender. Face if you are a woman trying to share your worries and fears with them can be a kin to posting it on your status wall on facebook. And if you are a man, it’s like throwing a piece of meat into a pack of wolves.
Now this isn’t true of all men or woman some can be very good confidants to same gender persons. So if your partner has a person with whom they confide who is the opposite gender and they become good friends in the process you have to trust that it will remain a friendship. Sure they may have a strong emotional bond but aren’t all friendships emotional bonds. They will be bonds that you do not share with your partner. They will have inside jokes that develop over time that you won’t know. As we know people better we allow them into a personal space bubbles more and more and with good friends they will be very close in that physical space and from the outside it may appear to be something it is not.
It goes back to trust, control and communication. How much do you trust your partner, how much to do tell them and how much control are you will to live without and just let things be what they are going to be.
Emotional affairs are just a problem we make up to try to control our partners a little bit more. You can have friends but no friends that are not our friends. You do that, you kill the person you had in the relationship.
Relationships are hard but if you want trust you have to give it, if you want communication you have to talk without judgment and if you want control you have to give it up and even then things change and people will grow apart and often times it will be one person who grows away but they usually will just pretend things are all cool until they feel they can land on their feet. The thing is you can’t control it and the more you try the less control you’ll have.
I don’t know I see that emotional affairs are just a form of jealousy, but I can also understand that they can be precursors to an actual affair. Which ones will stay friendships with really strong emotional bonds and which ones will develop into more who the hell knows? If I did know, well I’d be the richest person in the world.
Well, that’s all for now, other stuff tomorrow most likely
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